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Boggart Blog Archive - Education

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If Only The World Were Fair

We Could All Be Rich And Happy - Not!
KEYWORDS: computer, romans, technology, intelligence, artificial intelligence, dumbing down, blair, wisdom of crowds

Sometimes one might read and article or hear and interview with a member of the self styled 'liberal left' of such gobsmacking stupidity" one wonders what planet these effing idiots live on.
KEYWORDS: education, society, fair, equal, inequality, parents, pupils, school, government

What The Romans Did For Us>

ad how it may help us resist the wisdom of crowds and think for ourselves.
by John De Roe
March 2007

Are we about to sacrifice the most wonderful and valuable of the many things the Romans and other ancient civilisations did for us to the worship of the new, synthetic god technology and the wisdom of the crowd?

The Lazy Pupil's Examination Aid.

posted by Ian Thorpe

NOTE: Some people may find this in bad taste. For years employers and concerned parents have complained that school examinations are getting easier. Politically correct thinking among education academics aims to eliminate failure. But have new plans gone a step too far. The plan which proposes taking into account the emotional state of the pupil rather than marks being pased on the quality of the answers would be open to abuse by wily pupils this article suggests.

EXTRACT: In my school days, admittedly more years ago than I care to remember, trying to justify the non - delivery of homework projects with the excuse "please Sir, the dog ate it," was not exactly fresh and original but was still guaranteed to raise a ripple of laughter from classmates. Now of course it is a tired and lame excuse used as a last resort only by the terminally dull - witted. Family pets have advanced in status so much they can actually make a positive contribution to academic achievement.

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Conspiracy Theory of the Month #1 - Dumbing Down

by Ian Thorpe
@ 2005-07-16

Many commentators on the Right of the political spectrum have banged on for years about the steady lowering of standards in education. Left of Centre opinion holds that a different type of education is needed if modern children are to grow up able to cope with the emotional demands of post - industrial society. The truth ought to lie somewhere between these extremes but the Greenteeth investigative team have found what is actually going on to be much more sinister. Evidence suggests that the trend known as Dumbing Down has been engineered by a conspiracy of the Government, the Press and that bloke with the jam - jar bottom goggles on the Halifax ads....

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Are School Exams Getting Easier?

posted by Ian Thorpe
@ 2005-08-16

As record numbers of semi literate pupils achieve grade one A levels in a million subjects each the annual storm over standards in secondary education breaks out. Now as someone who was a manager I do sympathise with the employers who complain that even recruits with the highest degrees as lacking in basic academic skills. On the other hand I know... click button to open window

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Education, Education, Edu - Show me the money

posted by
Ian Thorpe@ 2005-12-13

Forgive me for feeling like a smug bastard but once again I have been proved years ahead of the mainstream in my thinking. A friend remind me of a conversation we had years ago when, after the unfortunate death of John Smith we were discussing the prospects of the new Labour Leader...

click button to open article

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Tired and emotional

posted by
Ian Thorpe

A teacher who worked as a ski rep in Austria while signed off sick was formally reprimanded by his profession's standards watchdog yesterday.
Donald Wilmott also marked 345 GCSE scripts while absent from work due to "stress, tiredness and depression."

Working in a ski resort was a smart move. The guy was not likely to meet any of the delinquent little shits who stressed him out. They were all on an "intensive personal therapy" safari holiday in Africa. At taxpayers expense of course.

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Dumbing Down Our Expectations

posted by ianrthorpe
@ 2006-08-22

We have all heard once more in the past week how A levels are getting easier, the usual geriatric whining that even mediocre students are now picking up 2million Grade As each when in the 1970s two A-levels at any grade was good going. We have also heard as usual that employers hiring people with two million A level Grade As are having to teach their new hirelings basic maths and English. But we oldies (i.e. over 35s) are missing the point.

We have computers to do the thinking now so why does society need educated people who can think for themselves. Modern society needs people who only know that you must never question authority, so while education is seen as the factor defining a persons worth then the education system must be geared to promote stupidity. It is absolutely unrealistic to expect people with A - levels to be able to write their own name.

The system's success in dumbing down is unquestionable. Even thickissimo Glyn (I'm Welsh you know) from Big Brother managed to do well in his A levels despite:

( A ) being thicker than Jade.
( B ) being banged up in the Big Brother house on exam day.

But it is not just that the system suits the dimwitted, intelligent people have lost interest in education. As Oscar Wilde put it "nothing worth learning can possibly be taught." Education is dull and uninspiring.

Lessons conforming to National Curriculum so alienate bright pupils that anybody with a grain of sense has given up on school by year eleven and is either a dotcom entrepreneur, a drug dealer or has joined a terrorist organisation.
So we should not bother ourselves about falling standards in school. The question we need to tackle is the redundancy of the human race.

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The Benefits of Private Education?

posted by ianrthorpe

Does private education give your kids a better start in life?


Paris effing Hilton!

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What The Romans Did For Us.

Read how the Romans could save is from the Wisdom Of Crowds, the dumbing down of society and the plot to turn us all into controllable robots

posted by John De Roe

Last time the Romans featured in these was some time ago and we were asking "what did the Romans really do for us?" It turns out that according to what Bill Gates calls "the wisdom of crowds" the Romans did something quite surprising. They built Stonehenge, which proves they arrived 2,500 years before most of us thought. Even more surprising is that the Romans could not have built Hadrian's Wall because it is in China...

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A radical idea for the curriculum

posted by fatsally

Over the past few weeks we have been inundated with "experts" opinions of what ought to be included in the curriculum ranging from the ridiculous, Mandarin, where on earth are they going to recruit the necessary teachers - China? to the ludicrous, walking. Yes really! This was proposed by Martin Johnson of the Association of Teachers and Lecturers who suggested that "teachers should be free to focus on teaching skills pupils will need in adult life...such as the ability to use tools (a knife and fork perhaps?) cycle and walk."
Now Mick Brookes from the association of Head Teachers suggests that instead of cramming for SATS to ensure their school a good place in the now defunct(yeah) league tables, Y6 pupils should be learning useful skills including cooking, carpentry, basic mechanics and motorcycle maintenance.
Perhaps following the Governments' desire for personalised learning some children could specialise in shop lifting, TWOCING and drug dealing.

Or how about this, instead of coming up with even more stupid suggestions teachers could concentrate on teaching the children basic skills they will need in adult life, such as reading, writing, basic mathematical skills and good manners.

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Every Child Counts, Unfortunately Education Chiefs Can't

posted 2007-09-12 by fatsally

St Mary's Primary School, Worsborough, Barnsley must have looked like the Marie Celeste on the first day of term, floors polished, desks tidy, whiteboards waiting and no one there to use them.
The failing school has been earmarked for closure and all bar one of the pupils have transferred to other schools in the area. Whilst the sole pupil's mother vows to keep her son there as long as possible, it was her grandmother's dying wish that he attended the school, aaahh! (Interestingly Mum didn't go there.) the Cof E education board will keep two teachers, two classroom assistants, dinner staff and a school secretary to look after the pupil.
However on the first day of term the young man failed to materialize so the school remained closed and the staff were sent home. Value for money?


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Come Back Jacques Cousteau

by fatsally @ 2007-09-20 – 16:09:14

It is many years since Jaques Cousteau last explored his undersea world, thrilling and informing a generation with astounding photography and gentle, measured descriptions of the myriad lifeforms found in the magical world beneath the waves.
I don't recall being taught very much about marine life in school, although we did disect a fish in biology, and it seems that despite efforts to broaden the curriculum this is, sadly, still the case.
Here are some extracts from projects about 'The Sea' written by Junior School chidren.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

Oysters' ball are called pearls.

A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head.

Some fish are dangerous. Electric eels can give you a shock. They live in caves and plug themsekves into chargers.

And here are some other points to bear in mind if you are considering a water sports holiday.

If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.

My uncle goes out fishing with pots and comes back with crabs.

Divers have to be safe when they go under water. They are not allowed to go down alone, so they go down on each other.

When you go swimming in the sea it is very cold and makes your willy small.

On holiday my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast and says she won't try it again because water shot up her fanny.


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B. SC. Stating the Bloody Obvious (education )

fatsally @ 2007-11-06 – 19:51:54

Key Stage 2
Paper 1

A school opens its doors at 8.50am. The children have to be in the classroom by 9.00am for registration. Assembly is from 9.10am to 9.30am. The Numeracy hour starts at 9.35am and finishes at 10.35am when the children go out for morning break.
The children return to class at 10.55am and the Literacy hour starts at 11.00am and lasts for one hour until 12noon.
Lunch break is from 12 noon to 1.00pm.
In the afternoons, over the course of the week, the children fit in all the other subjects they are required to be taught under the guidelines of the National Curriculum, including at least an hours P.E., art, music, geography, history, RS, PHSE, IT and 3 hours of science. The school day finishes at 3.30pm and the afternoon includes a fifteen minute break. When the children come back into class after lunch the register has to be taken again and the children have a period of between 20 and 30 minutes when they are reading independently or to the teacher or classroom assistant.

Question 1) Is it possible to fit all of the above into a normal school week, given an accepted level of disruption and tardiness on the part of the pupils?

Question 2) Is it really necessary for a team of researchers to tell us that children spend too much time learning Literacy and Numeracy to the detriment of other subjects?


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Pilot Scheme For Practical Sex Education Unveiled

by fatsally @ 2007-11-08 – 11:34:26

Practical sex education courses could be offered in schools in the near future. In a pilot scheme at a school in Nottingham pupils have already been introduced to a stripper who arrived dressed as a police woman, attached a lead and collar to a sixteen year old pupil and led him around the classroom on all fours before whipping him sixteen times on the bottom. She then stripped down to her bra and panties and invited the lucky, er, bemused student to smear cream on her.
A spokesperson for the education authority explained that it was all part of trying to equip the pupils for the adult world. "The chances are that by the time the kids get to eighteen someone will be organising a stripagram for them and we feel it is only fair that the kids have some idea of what to do in situations like this. Obviously the young man selected by the stripper had the more intense experience, suffering the utter humiliation and the outrage at the people responsible, but we feel the others in the class were able to share a valuable experience, not least in refining their repertoire of lewd, licentious behaviour. All in all we think it was a great success and next week we will be taking the Year 11 on a fact finding trip to Amsterdam."
Well of course I just made all of that up, apart from the bit about the schoolboy, the stripper and the classroom. Apparently his Mum ordered the stripagram with the teachers consent, who was actually going to film it on her mobile phone, but Mum was expecting a man in a gorilla suit, or so she says. No wonder the country's in the state it's in. Bet he doesn't read and write too well either.


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The Local Bike

Ian R Thorpe
@ 2007-11-17 –

Is there (or has there ever been?) a woman in your office or workplace, local pub or social circle, referred to as the local bike because "everybody could ride her?"
It’s a simple pun on a colloquial expression, you would think nobody would need it explained. In the context of a court case heard this week however it underlines the concern fatsally, myself and many readers have expressed about falling standards of literacy and language skills, the state of education and the increasing tendency to have only a literal understanding of things, without comprehending the spectrum of meanings and inflections.
The case I refer to concerned a man found guilty of having sex with a bicycle.

Unfortunately the report did not tell us whether the bike was a consenting partner.


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Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Sex Education


Following reports that sex education is poor in English schools B. Bottle, Boggart's fly-on-the-wall-reporter decided to drop in on a sex education class in a typical comprehensive school in the north of England.

Teacher: Now then children, today we are going to be watching a video on sexual ... To read full post click button


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Macology, The Science of Burger Flipping ...

Ian R Thorpe
@ 2008-01-28

Today it became public knowledge that MacDonald’s have become an officially recognised education service provider and as such, qualificatins awarded in their training schools are accepted nationally as the equivalent of A levels in Burger Flipping and shucking fries or, as they prefer to call it, Macology.
Ever eager to stay ahead of the media rat pack, Boggart Network News have managed to secure an interview with MacManagement trainee Darren Chavver who later this week will become the first graduate to receive an A level in Macology after studying for four hours at Slagtown Macademy of Burger Education.

Darren, you must feel very proud of your achievement in becoming the first student to get a qualification in Macology.

Yeah, whatever.

TO READ ALL The Science Of Macology Click Here
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Learn yerself Jadeish.

Ian R Thorpe

A Polish digital television channel provinding education programmes, TVN Lingua, plans to include the Big Brother series that featured Jade Goody in a series aimed at teaching English as a ‘living language’ to help new migrants integrate.
Most people arrivng from Poland speak English very well, if a little stiffly. So will the Jadeish project help. Imagine how a conversation with a plumber might go next year?

CLICK HERE to read all Learn Yersel Jadeish


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A Hack A Day Makes A Student Straight A


The Sundays rang with indignation and approbation at the fact that the winner of The Apprentice, Lee McQueen had lied on his CV about his educational background. McQueen claimed to have attended university(?) for two years, when in fact he had lasted 4 months.
Good job he didn't try the same stunt as Omar Khan of Orange County, L.A.
The 18 year old student is charged with breaking into his high school and hacking into the computer's admin system in order to change his and his friend's grades, in some case from F (for Fail) to A. He also stole test questions and answers which he e-mailed to friends. If convicted on all 69 counts he faces up to 38 years in jail.
But there again, once he gets onto the prison's computers that will probably change to 38days, if it doesn't disappear altogether.


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GCSE English? F**K That!


It's about that time of year again when rumours of dumbing down in GCSEs start to proliferate.
Yesterday's inaugral news story on the subject concerned the use of expletives in students answers.
Marking papers featuring the question, "Describe the room you are sitting in.", Mr. Peter Buckroyd, a chief examiner, came across the answer "Fuck off".
Mr. Buckroyd justified his decision to award two marks for this answer on the grounds that the answer demonstrated 'some simple sequencing of ideas' and also 'some words in appropriate order'. He also added that should the pupil have added an exclamation mark the answer would have gained further marks for use of punctuation.

Boggartblog has managed to get hold of the complete mark scheme for this paper.

Question 1. Describe the room you are sitting in.

Marks 27

20-27 marks.

A detailed description of a room, written in sentences, correct spellings, a range of punctuation used accurately, and the use of paragraphs to separate different ideas/subjects within the piece of work. The work should show eveidence of the correct use of nouns, adjectives, verbs, conjunctions, clauses and sub-clauses, subjects, objects, comparatives, superlatives, conjugated verbs, similies and metaphors.
The work should be written in a clear, coherent style, with a logical progression between paragraphs, enabling the reader to draw a mental picture of the writer's surroundings.

10 - 20 marks.

A structured piece of writing with evidence of attempts to use phonic and other methods in spellings. Some use of conjunctions. Writing in sentences usually using capital letters and full stops. Some use of paragraphs, although not necessarily appropriately.
Attempts to vary the sentence structure, however unsuccessful.

5 - 10 marks.

An account using simple statements which convey meaning.
Roundabout the right letters in spellings, any order accepted.
Evidence of capital letters irrespective of where they appear in a sentence or string of words/letters.
Evidence of simple punctuation.
Use of space to denote the beginning and end of words.

1 - 4 marks.

Any decipherable words, expletives and obscenities included, as in many cases these will be the only words the children are familiar with.
Words do not have to be spelt correctly but do have to be recognisable.
Any recognisable marks which could be interpreted as punctuation.

* Papers which have correctly spelt instructions or comments, such as,

"I can't be arsed with this!"

"What a load of bollocks!"

"Why should I fucking do this?"

will be awarded up to 20 extra marks as, although they bear no relevance to the question, they do indicate the writers state of mind, his opinion of the education systemn and in particular the examination system to which he is subjected.

Likewise a blank paper should be considered as it could be the student's way of protesting against the system that he is forced to be a part of, a bit like leaving your ballot paper blank.

Any drawings or doodlings on the paper should also be taken into consideration as should the intentions behind the making of the paper into a paper dart.

Click Here To READ ALL GCSE English - F*ck That

RELATED POSTS: Campology: More News On Vocational Education.
from ianrthorpe
383 days ol

d Earlier this year, shortly after the government announced as part of a new initiative on vocational qualifications, courses sponsored by large employers ... The Pursuit Of Mediocrity Part 2
from fatsally 405 days old

A university lecturer who has become so fed up with correcting his student's spelling mistakes has called for 'variant' or perhaps that should be 'vairient' ...

[ Top Of Page ] ... [Permalink] ... More Comedy[Home] ...
[ Boggart Blog ] ... [ Authorsden ]

The Lazy Pupil's Examination Aid.

Are School Exams Getting Easier?

Conspiracy Theory of the Month #1 - Dumbing Down

Education, Education, Edu - Show me the money

Tired and emotional

Dumbing Down Our Expectations

The benefits of Private Education

What The Romans Did For Us

A radical idea for the curriculum

Every Child Counts, Unfortunately
Education Chiefs Can't

Come Back Jacques Cousteau

B. SC. Stating the Bloody Obvious (education )

Pilot Scheme For Practical
Sex Education Unveiled

The Local Bike

Everything You Never Wanted To
Know About Sex Education

Macology, The Science of
Burger Flipping ...

Learn yerself Jadeish.

GCSE English? F**K That!


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