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Comedy / Satire / Sex / Religion / Politics
The series of selected archive posts from Boggart Blog reaches number 5. Since 2005 Boggart Blog has been one of the foremost humour and satire websites in Britain. As usual the this selection of Boggart Blog's humour covers a wide range of topics from sharp political satire to wild, surreal fantasy, dark, almost cruel ironies, incisive parody and ridiculous clowning. Explore this and other Boggart Blog archives for the best humour online and then stay and find your way around our Multi Media Labyrinth.
All posts protected by CREATIVE COMMONS licence: Some rights reserved. Distribution: Non - commercial, attrib, no derivs, All reproductions should be credited to "http://www.greenteethmm.com/" with a link back to our hime page if possible. email: edbuttuk@yahoo.com
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THIS ITEM
Top.

Join The Christmas Resistance

New England Rednecks Attack Dover

No-thanks giving

Wind Power

Blair and Pensions

NHS Crisis.

The Imminent Death Of Google

I'm a Bit Bothered About Madonna.

Its Chico Time-out

The wind of change for reality TV

Forward to the past

So Robbie Williams Is Not Gay

Hospital Food.

The Chronicles of Nadia?

Chip and Pin on my shoulder

Education, Education, Edu...

Goodbye Charlie ?

The Fix Factor

Cup - Bearer to the Celebs

The Grey and White Peril Coming
To Your Backyard

Dance Me To The End Of Sanity

Rolf Paints The Queen.

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February 2020


VW Audi Suspends Electric Vehicle Production Due To Battery Shortage
Today in “news that affects all electric vehicle manufacturers”, Audi has announced that it has suspended production of its e-Tron electric SUV effective February 20 and won’t resume untilfurther notice. The suspension has been a resolve of “resolving production issues”, which are mainly attributed to bottlenecks in battery supply, according to Business Insider.

Worst polluting coal and wood fires banned in fight to cut emissions
Domestic coal and certain types of wood are to be banned from sale from next year in a bid to cut air pollution, ministers will announce on Friday.

Macron Vows to Fight ‘Islamist Separatism’ with New Reforms

French President Emmanuel Macron has declared his government will fight against “Islamist separatism” with reforms including ending residency for foreign imams.


Switzerland’s environmental agency announces national moratorium on 5G
This blog has warned about the health risks of 5G wireless technology before, almost from the moment it was announced people who understand this technology (and two out of the three of us do,) have been saying that while there is always a risk from electro – magnetic radiation, with earlier technologis it was easily manageable if a loittle common sense was deployed. The exponentially higher intensity of 5G frequencies however, takes the health risks to humans to a whole different level.

Criminal damage in Cambridge reveals the police soft peddaling on Extinction Rebellion crimes Nobody is allowed to walk on the grass outside Trinity College Cambridge. I suppose an exception might be made if you were a 365-year-old don who once lolled under the famous apple tree with Sir Isaac Newton (probably a couple of those old fellows still holed up in the port cellar).

Otherwise, set one foot on that sacred turf and you will soon find yourself experiencing the full force of Newtonian gravity; rugby-tackled to the ground by a puce-faced porter in a bowler hat.

Germany's ruling party split over how to respond to AfD
Germany's Christian Democrat party (CDU) is as deeply divided as Britain's Labour Party over how to respond to the upsurge of nationalism. Facing a serious challenge from the nationalist (but not far right please, they are not that,) Alternative for Germany party (AFD) the CDU seems pitifully unprepared for departure of the Chancellor Merkel at a point when Germany its facing most serious political and economic crisis for decades.

Afer EU Engineered Hiatus Italy Heading For New Elections?
Matteo Salvini's Lega are by far the most popular political party in Italy and have been for some time, only a stitch up engineered by the Brussels bureaucracy has kept them out of power. But Brussels determination to prevent any Eurosceptic party becoming part of a governing coalition in any member state reveals the true, authoritarian nature of the European Union.

Sweden dystopia omnibusSwedish Communist Party: The Left Has Abandoned the Working Class For Migrants & LGBT issues
Are the left getting it at last? Is the message sinking in that the grass roots movements have been infiltrated and hijacked by middle class intellectuals. Are they starting to realise that the obsession with identity politics has supplanted income inequality, housing availability, jobs and the cost of living ... ?

Is the World Health Organization involved in biological warfare research?
Dr. Francis Boyle, a professor of international law, talked in a recent interview with about the Wuhan coronavirus now sweeping through the far east, laboratory in Wuhan, China, where the genetically modified virus appears to have originated, and the World Health Organization’s (WHO) clandestine involvement in biological warfare research ...Continue reading

13-year-old fights school policy allowing ‘trans girls’ into girls’ changing room February 7, 2020 (Paul Smeaton, LifeSiteNews) – A 13-year-old UK girl is taking her local council to court after it issued guidance that would allow boys who identify as “transgender girls” to access girls’ bathrooms, changing rooms, and dormitory rooms on student trips.
The guidance was issued last year as part of the Oxfordshire County Council’s “Trans Inclusion Toolkit for School 2019” project.

RACIST BRITAIN: ‘Black Studies’ Professor Says British Empire Was Worse Than Nazi GermanyBritain’s first professor of “Black Studies”, (yes you can get a Mickey Mouse degree from Toytown University in Black Studies,) who is aquiring quite a reputation for uttering ‘hate speech’ against Britain and white people in general, has now opined the British Empire did “far more harm” than Hitler’s Germany, and branded “whiteness” a “... Continue reading”.

Big Pharma billionaire charged with conspiracy and bribery of doctors
Not long ago it would have been inconceivable that one day a Big Pharma company founder and owner would be arrested for running a criminal drug cartel, but that is exactly what happened a few days ago. “Federal authorities arrested the billionaire founder and owner of Insys Therapeutics Thursday on charges of bribing doctors and pain clinics into prescribing the company’s fentanyl product to their patients ...

Coronavirus Contains “HIV Insertions”: Claim Stokes Fears Over Genetically Modified BioweaponFor the past two weeks mainstream media reporting of the epidemic of a new strain of coronavirus in China has been getting more and more hysterical. However, reports have pushed back against one "conspiracy theory" about the origins of the virus that has now infected as many as 70,000+ people in the central China city of Wuhan alone (depending on whom you believe).

Corona Virus: Should We Worry
The official data coming out of China and from other sources including the World Health Organisation (WHO) on the spread of the Wuhan coronavirus continues to suggest an exponential growth rate. With more and more infectious disease experts are now openly calling the virus a full-blown global pandemic, many people are asking should we in the west be worried and how bad might things get?

The Islamic Republic Of France
France’s left-wing elite are accused of cowardice for failing to support 16-year-old girl facing death threats after she insulted Islam online, the ruling class have been also accused of cowardice for failing to support a 16-year-old girl who has faced death threats after she allegedly insulted Islam online.

Clinton Kill List To Determine Who Will Be US 2020 Presidential Candidate?
And then, in accordance with Murphy’s law, which states just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do, Hillary Clinton has emerged, having found what she obviously thinks is a sure – fire route to the presidency, to offer her services as vice presidential candidate to whoever wins the nomination. And just to show how far The Democrats are removed from reality, many leading figures in the party and the left leaning media think it’s a good idea.

January 2020

Coronavirus Contains “HIV Insertions”: Claim Stokes Fears Over Genetically Modified Bioweapon
The theory that China obtained the coronavirus via a Canadian research program, and started molding it into a bioweapon at the Institute of Virology in Wuhan before it somehow escaped could be an attempt by the establishment (the Davosocracy,) to spread fear and panic as they see resurgent nationalism across the developed world and growing scepticism about

Italy most likely member to quit the EU and demand independence after Brexit -shock poll 23:01 (11 pm) 31 January, the United Kingdom is no longer part of the European Union.

Throughout the day, the last on which the UK will be a member of the European Union, more than 7,000 people took part in an online, and completely meaningless except as a gesture, poll which asked which nation they thought would be next to leave the 27 member bloc ...

US Democratic Party Orders Google To Spread Globalist Propaganda
The U.S. House of Representatives Select Committee on the Climate Crisis has demanded, in a letter to Google CEO Sudar Pichai that the Internet Search giant demonetize climate skeptics, and provide 'education' to millions of people who have been exposed to “dangerous misinformation”. Key actions demanded of Google by The Democrats are:

Time is NOT real: Physicists show EVERYTHING happens at the same time

The concept of time is simply an illusion made up of human memories, everything that has ever been and ever will be is happening RIGHT NOW. That is the theory according to a group of esteemed physicists who aim to solve one of the universe’s mysteries.
Most people do not even consider the concept of time but there is nothing in the laws of physics to state that it should move in the forward direction that we know. The laws of physics are symmetric ultimately meaning that time could have easily moved in a backward direction as it does forward. Indeed some adherents to the ‘big crunch’ theory say time WILL run backwards when the universe stops expanding and starts contracting back in on itself.

The BBC is panicking at the public’s rejection of its arrogant Left-liberal worldview
This is nearly over – this weird disconnect between what most of us understand as reality and the world as seen through the eyes of an all pervasive Authority that was apparently appointed (although we never knew by whom) to establish the limits of public discourse. The crisis of confidence at the BBC – and make no mistake, it is a full blown, all alarm bells ringing, catastrophic crisis ...

The grooming gang cover-up is Britain’s real racism scandal

Forget pathetic 'Princess Pushy' Megan Markle petulantly playing the race card when she found life in the goldfish bowl occupied by Britain's Royal Family was not to her liking, the grooming gang cover up is Britain's racist scandal - and it is far worse than the trivialities that get American libtards screaming about "White Privilege ..."

John McCain’s Widow Comments on Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Trafficking ChargesJohn McCain’s Widow Comments on Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Trafficking Charges


Speaking at a human trafficking event in Florida, McCain revealed that her family was quite familiar with Epstein’s wrongdoings as one girl from her daughter’s high school was actually among the financier’s underage victims, then suddenly acknowledging that she “knew” about his crimes.
More posts:

French Intellectual Jailed for Calling Mass Immigration an “Invasion”
French intellectual Renaud Camus (above) has been conditionally sentenced to 2 months imprisonment for arguing that mass immigration in Europe represents an “invasion.” Summit.news reports: The writer, who is the author of Le Grand Remplacement (The Great Replacement), was charged with “public incitement to hate or violence on the basis of origin, ethnicity, nationality, race or religion.”

“Hard” Of Hearing? PornHub Being Sued By Deaf Man For Lack Of Subtitles
We read today that sex supermaket site PornHub is being sued by Yaroslav Suris, who has filed a lawsuit claiming that its lack of PornHub’s lack of subtitles for the hard of hearing is discriminatory. Suris’ bone of contention is that the website violates his rights under the Americans With Disabilities Act, according to showbiz gossip site TMZ, which broke the story ...

Quitaly Back On As Salvini Prepares To Take On The EU
While the bureaucraps of Brussels were still congratuating themselves on forcing Matteo Salvini’s Lega party out of Italy’s governernment, mainstream media barely bothered to cover the news that Lega won the state elections in Umbria towards the end of October 2019. Thus the story that should have had Europhiles like Emmanuel Macron and Guy Verhofshit crapping themselves was barely noticed.

Police Failed To Act Against Muslim Grooming Gang Due To Fears Over "Community Tensions" A new report based on the evidence of former Grester Manchester Police Detective Constable Maggie Oliver acknowledges that the force failed to stop dozens of girls being groomed and sexually exploited by a network of Pakistani men despite being fully aware of what was happening due to fears over creating “community tensions.” The report notes that the instruction to avoid prosecuting came "right from the top ..."

Asian grooming gang given free pass to rape; police officers told ‘find other ethnicities’ to investigate – detective.
A report published today, authored by child protection specialist Malcolm Newsam CBE and former senior police officer Gary Ridgway, comes following the reopening of an investigation into the death of 15-year-old Victoria Agoglia, who – after years of abuse and days after she was injected with heroin by a 50-year-old man – died in hospital of an overdose in 2003.

Greta Thunberg Slams Australia for Coal Industry, Expands List of Climate Demands
Little Greta Thunberg, who was elected by nobody apparently now speaks for us all on matters relating to climate change. The Swedish climate change hustler who is making a fortune for her handlers from donations to her campaign, again castigated Australia for continuing to mine and export coal despite her previous complaints, adding a call for an end worldwide to the actibity to her list of climate demands to be delivered at the upcoming World Economic Forum in Davos ...

Macron Digs In Against The General Strike, But Could It Finish Him?
As the French braces itself for the latest wave of protests and strikes across the country, as attitudes harden against President Emmanuel Macron's pension and retirement system reforms. Karel Vereycken, vice-president of France's Solidarity and Progress Party, has given his version what's behind the recent wave of strikes and why Macron's efforts to calm the situation down are backfiring.

Boggart Blog Select vol 5

Top of page
Join The Christmas Resistance
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-22

When politicians talk of the "War on Terror" I wonder do they ever think of the commercial terrorism inflicted on our world at this time of year. Think about the endless media message that we must be happy, this is the happiest time of the year so if you aren't having a great time you are some sort of failure. That would be sinister enough of course as people have different and very individual ways of coping with life, but it is underlined by an unspoken subtext blasted at us through the medium of advertising. "The way to be happy is through buying things." Can buying stuff make us happy or is the idea that buying expensive gifts for friends and family will prompt them to buy us expensive gifts in return, thus proving that they love us? Either way it is a rather bleak view of the human ...

read all Join The Christmas Resistance

RELATED POSTS: Christmas Is Bollocks part 2.
For Christmas 2010 Boggart Blog has continued its long tradition off slagging off the modern, consumer oriented, shoddy, politically correct, conformist christmas if favour of supporting people who do their own thing.

The Little Cellphone - A Christmas Story
What happens to all those cellphones that have given loyal and efficient servive only to be abandoned to their fate at Christmas when a newer model with more bells and whistles, apps and software widgets replaces them

Defying the Tyranny of Consumer Christmas
Manipulation is everywhere from the X Factor to Christmas, media hype is the tool that influences the sheeple to think what their masters want them to think. The careers of people as diverse as Michael Jackson and Barack Obama as well as the political success of Tony Blair are all built on nothing more substantial than spin. Repeat the lie often enough, that Michael Jackson is the most talented performer ever, that Barack Obama represents the dawn of a new era in politics, that Saddam posed a threat to the west, and enough people will believe it. So what can you do to regain your freedom. You can start by resisting the tyranny of the consumer Christmas.

The Boggart Blog Christmas SOS - Save Our Socks
The Boggart Blog Irrelevant Christmas Charity Appeal. Our inaugural Christmas Carity Appeal requests your help in providing shelter and support for homeless socks, those unfortunate items of hoisery that have become separated from their partners and are now homeless and hungry. These sockes are often given as Christmas Presents without the giver forst checking what kind of home they are going to. All over Britain single, homeless, pairless socks are sheltering in the recesses of laundry baskets, hiding behind radiators or cowerting in changing room lockers. Please help us to help them.
Boggart Blog Christmas Appeal - Save Our Socks

Christmas Is Bollocks
Come on, admit it. When you saw the headline your heart leaped for joy. At last you thought, a like mineed person, sombody who thinks for himself. because let's be honest, if you had not agreed you would not have clicked through.

And so this is Christmas - Menu

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot

New England Rednecks Attack Dover
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-24

I was surprised to read in my paper this morning that Dover is being attacked by rednecks. The mothers of Dover (Mass.)are having to carry baseball bats, hockey sticks and tennis raquets to fend of attacks on children in baby buggies by wild male rednecked turkeys that have invaded the town.

Nice to know that Dubya and his friends have managed to get away from the white house for the weekend.

RELATED POSTS:
Suicide Dolphins
The Murderer Is The Drunken Elk In The Orchard
Under The Influence Of Mind Altering Drugs Eight Legs Is A Few too Many
Forward Psychic Soldiers - Goat Staring and other military follies

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot

No-thanks giving
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-27

Friends in America have just finished digesting Thursday's Thanksgiving dinner. We don't do thanksgiving here of course, although it has been suggested to me recently that we should, as any reason to give thanks to God should be welcomed. This is a line taken by many American's even those whose religion is mainstream rather thn evangelical.

As you may guess, a suggestion like that to a pagan went down like a lead balloon.

But as a pagan I welcome any opportunity to have a party so I think we should declare the day The Mayflower set sail a public holiday and celebrate the fact that we had said No Thaks to crackpot religions by exporting our religious nuts to America. The story that they left because the evil pagan brits persecuted them is a total lie. They left because King James the First refused to abidcate and declare that in perpetuity God would be head-of-state in Britain.

Another batch departed because after King Charles 1 had been deposed Oliver Cromwell, a sensible puritan. Rumour has it that the puritans were all dour and joyless miserymongers, not true - that was the Calvinists.

The real Puritans were quite jolly by comparison. Some of them even tolerated dancing. So anyway Cromwell pointed out that God wasn't much interested in taxation and getting the night soil shifted or handing out the poor relief so someone had to take responsibility for it, after all in those days the peasants were revolting (and even the Lords and Ladies whilst not actually revolting had no objection to the chamber pots being emptied into the street.)

Cromwell said to the Calvinists "listen lads, Britain has resisted attempts by the Catholic Church to declare the Pope supreme lord since 370 AD we're not going to accomodate a bunch of crackpot protestants now."

Not long after that Cromwell fell when people could no longer take him seriously because of the ridiculous wart on his nose. He was succeeded by King Charles 2. "You must abdicate and let the nation be guided by God" the religious nuts said. "Bugger off," said the new King, being King is better than owning a sports sedan chair when it comes to pulling power."

Protestants have a tendency to take everything literally and so they did bugger off. To America.

Personally I think Cromwell and the Kings made a mistake here. We pagans and humanists should have taken America for our home because we would have known how to enjoy it and the climate is much better there for dancing naked under the full moon. The Protestants would have been much happier in Britain's cold, miserable climate.

But back to the Pilgrim Fathers. They didn't bother to learn anything about America but put their faith in God and planted British crops. When the British crops did not grow the native tribes took pity on the settlers and brought food. "Look" said the Religious nuts, "God has provided food for us and these red skinned, heathen bastards are trying to steal it. So they shot the tribespeople and gave thanks to God for his providence. ( told you they were nuts and you may want to observe that nothing much has changed) Killing people whose generosity of spirit makes them vulnerable is not something to celebrate in my view which is why we should say no thanks to Thansgiving and have a day of celebration that we lost our God Botherers followed by a day of penance for inflicting them on the tribes of the New World.

RELATED POSTS: The Baby Bible Basher - Four Year Old Evangelist
Bible Bashers - Evangelical Christianity
Gay Evangelist? They Prayed Him Straight
My Problem With God

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot


Wind Power
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-30

So in the face of stubborn indifference from people who know about science from living and working in the real world the government shows no sign of giving up on trying to tell us that putting big windmills in our back gardens is the answer to all our energy problems. They would rather listen to the tax eaters who waft about saying 'I'm a scientist' as if that makes them an expert on everything.

The climate science sceptics, the people who point out that covering the entire country in giant wind turbines wil generate just about enough electricity to keep the lights on in Buckingham Palace, are gradually winning the arguement however.

About time too. In the very cold snap last week did anyone notice as they were turning up their heating to full how still it was outside. Not a breath of wind over the whole country and vast fog banks hanging around all day. QED?

Well maybe but I doubt we have heard the last about wind. One campaigner for "renewable energy" came out with a clever piece of mathematics to show that all the worries about what happens when the wind does not blow are exagerated.

"You only need an average wind speed of 7 meters per second all the year round to be able to meet all our energy needs form this source trilled the radio environmentalist (with emphasis on the "mentalist." Now I am not great at maths but you don't have to be Pythagoras to work out that 7 meters per second is about 18 miles per hour around the force 4 or 5 mark on the Beaufort scale, quite windy in fact. Good windsurfing weather. I might know fuck all about Pythagoras but I kow a lot about windsurfing.

That's all we need 24/7 - he's having a laugh.

The mathematics of Wind Power are deeply flawed too as is described in our article The Great Wind Turbine Scam

I have always said "Mathematics is the only exact science - by using it well you can always prove the answer is exactly what you assumed in the first place."

So how far can we trust the mathematicians?

Well Pythagoras is acknowledged as the world's greatest maths genius and he never ate beans. You see old Py-face believed that every time we fart a little bit of our soul escapes. That means we should either give up beans on toast or else be willing to have a little wind generator up our arses.

RELATED POSTS:
We need nuclear power
Clear Thinking On Climate Change
Climate Change: Green Energy Meltdown .
Will Wind Power Be A Way Of Farming Money For Operators.
Pain In Spain As Green Fraud Exposed
The True Hockey Stick

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot


Blair and Pensions
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-02

Don't you just love Tony Blair. The latest whacky and zany scheme from the fun loving fascist is to change the pension arrangements so that we can all work 'til we are a hundred and three and save money throuh a compulary savings scheme so we can pay the government for having lived lives dedicated to making mortgage providers and privatised public services companies wealthy.

Actually I have come up with an alternative to the government's pension reform plan. Everyone will retitre at 45, get loads of money subsidised travel, free health care and a Chritmas dinner in a restaurant of their choice. "And how are we going to pay for that", the politicians ask. Simple, we just stop mega corporations mopping up all their UK operating profits with consultancy charges and management fees from their Cayman Islands dummy corporations and e thy proper share of the tax burden.

Now why has no government ever thought of that?

RELATED POSTS:
Life Expectancy Rises By 44 Days In One Year

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot


NHS Crisis.
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-03

Do you remember that nice Mr. Blair telling us all a while back how he was putting shedloads of cash into the NHS because waiting lists were too long. Well now we hear that hospitals are having to delay operations until the start of the next financial year because there is no cash. So when "porky" Blair was shouting about how the waiting lists had been reduced because he had done so well for us was he being economical with the truth? Of course not. The waiting lists were reduced because the government spent that extra cash on hiring managers and clerks and management consultants to administer the waiting lists more efficiently. You did not really think waiting lists could be shortened by simply doing more operations quicker did you?

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot


The Imminent Death Of Google
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-03

I read that there are signs Google is losing its grip on the web. Wikipedia will be the next big thing apparently. Oh WOW! I have always said that Google is the worst possible search engine you could choose - except for all the others.

Google was bound to fail because it reduced the web merely to a matter of links. Thus relevance is not decided by accuracy or depth of information but by how many link go into a page and how many people are linking into the pages that link into you. Try a search on something like DVD rewriters on Google and as you check down the list just look how many of the high entries do not give information about the search object but simply lists of links to pages of search results. That is a simple way of getting yourself a high Google rating but is any of it relevant.

But if you think the web is in deep poo now, wait til Wikipedia takes over. This is the online encyclopedia anyone can update. So that means serious articles can be superseded by the arse dribble of ego tripping idiots and serious searches will be steered towards cretinous content.

Great innit? Still Google are not going down without a fight and webheads are nothing if not anal. It might be a while yet.

RELATED POSTS:
Don't Be Evil - That's Google's Job
Google Algorithm Scam
How Google and Skype Threaten Your Privacy and Individualism
Goog;e's Private Surveillance Society

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot


I'm a Bit Bothered About Madonna.
by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-04

Never a great fan of Madonna, I always considered her more a celebrity seeker than a serious music contender but I have seen the promo video for Madonna's new single quite a lot and yes I agree she has an amazing body for a woman her age. And that leg lift that gets her chuff right in your face is something else. But I hope she is not performing that manouvere live on stage while on tour.

Time may have been generous but the lady is forty seven, an age at which women, no matter how fit and well preserved, start to experience a little slackening of the pelvic floor muscles. Its quite common for even the most well brought up middle aged ladies to have a little involuntary wee-wee when performing such strenuous exercises. On video its fine of course, skilful editing can take care of accidents, but live on stage???

You wouldn't want to be in the front row would you?

Does anyone know if the next single will be called "Golden Rain"

RELATED POSTS: Celebrity Menu

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Its Chico Time-out
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-05

I was never really interested in the X factor or Pop Idol after the audition rounds when you get all the nutters turning up, but I did think the producers aimed a little higher that the old 1970s talent show "Opportunity Knocks" presented by Hughie Green, a man so cheesy he makes David Dickinson look like a cheese free zone. OK provided a cringe factor higher than any other show ever including I Love Lucy. Talented performers with great potential and wannabees who would realistically never progress beyong journeyman were asked to compete against cutesy pie infants singing songs about their mother or worse, groups of child-dancers from some stage school or other, dancing out the story of Chicken Little.

Throw in a few pensioners playing the spoons and you had a show of such monumental awfulness it ran at peaktime on Saturdays for about fifteen years. Through all this time the cjhild - dancers, buoyed up by the granny factor in the vote won time after time and were never heard of again. Opportunity Knocks had a rival, New Faces, which introduced some real talent to TV including the late Marti Cane. But the cheese factor proved too much and despite featuring a one - legged acrobat (honestly, they did) in its final run, New Faces was seen off.

Me and the ex - factor coexisted peacefully. Until effing Chico came along. Now the object of the X factor is to find a new singing sensation who has that indefinable star quality that will propel them into the nations' hearts. Chico is a male stripper whose only talent is to rip his clothes of while tunelessly croaking a Ricky Martin song. This man has previously been Mr. Muscle Mania and (allegedly) an erotic dancer in Raymond's Revue and yet, mentored by Sharon Osbourne who is obviously vying with Hughie Green as the celebrity most blissfully unaware of their own cringe factor, Chico and his shirt ripping antics - later superseded by inclusion in the act of child -dancers that was a bit too Michael-Jacksonesque for comfort, has seen off some people who, while not earthshatteringly brilliant were at least easy on the eye and ear.

So what we have to do, all of us now - no backsliding, is decide who Simon Cowell least wants to win and vote for them in the final. My recommendation is Journey South who started off with the bands but now have their very own category, the bland section. Surely an act so uninspiring they would be destined to follow Steve Brookstein (who?) into instant oblivion having failed to repay the record company's investment.

So remember to VOTE, VOTE, VOTE - and I mean that most sincerely friends.

RELATED POSTS:
The X Factor Of Dead Dreams
X Factor - Bird Is The Winner
Celebrity Menu

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The wind of change for reality TV
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-06

The latest batch of non - celebrities got out of the jungle last night with Carol Thatcher emerging as the winner.

Yes, the daughter of the old Iron Lady herself has won the hearts of the great British public (or at least those of them who could be bothered to vote) and become queen of the jungle.

But what swung the pendulum in favour of Carol?

Sure she went a long way towards healing some of the still festering wounds her Ma. inflicted on British society when she performed well in test that required her to eat shit (or something very close), live animals and kangaroo's bollocks.

She also displayed truly British sang - froid when allowing rats, snakes and poisonous toads to crawl over her. But the deciding factor was the body functions. Not only did our fave Daughter of Medusa have a nocturnal waz on camera for the benefit of the viewing figures, whipping down her guzzies and performing in the middle of the camp while the others, including Saint Jimmy Osmond, slept peacefully; a few days later she also, without embarrassment, lifted the cheek of her arse macho man style and ripped off a noisy fart.

The women of the Thatcher clan must be genetically programmed to be first at something. Mum was first woman to lead a western nation, daughter is now and for evermore the first woman to drop her guts on live television.

The fad for "reality TV is fading but lets hope there is one more season of this show, because anyone who wants to do well will now have to top "Thatch."

Better still how about a spin - off in which Thatch, Johnny Vegas, Gordon Ramsey and Tracey Emin have to share a flat for a month?

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Reality Television Breakthrough - The Real Queen's Speech

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Forward to the past
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-07

A big welcome to new Conservative leader David Cameron, if only because an old Etonian is bound to be an absolute gift for satirists. Mr Cameron talks of caring Conservatism and of being in touch with the voters but if you asked him "how should one ensure savings are secure" would he not reply " Ay, thet is say simple, jast leave one's funds in the famlay trast."

But it is comforting in a way to know that the Conservatives are once more led by a wealthy and privileged patrician. There is a kind of warm feeling coming out of Westminster, generated by the knowledge that traditional values are not lost. Why, before you know it we will be having a Labour leader who used to work in a coal mine...

Conservative Contender

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So Robbie Williams Is Not Gay
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-08

Or actually, as this was a libel case rather than a criminal case, we are not allowed to allege that Robbie is Gay. Now call me dim if you like, but unless someone is really getting desperate to get their name in the papers why would they spend as much money as Robbie and his management have on trying to look and act gay.

(Actually Robbie, if you want to catch the Gay audience try copying Will Young whose behaviour is well "out" but he behaves with dignity. Or if you must prance about like a 1950's screaming queen at least do it with a sense of irony.)

A lot of shrinks and other talking heads have been spouting about what makes Robbie tick recently. Its his abysmally low self esteem apparently, he desperately wants everyone to like him. Perhaps someone should tell him to stop bering a twat then.

Of course Robbie has good cause to feel insecure about his career, after all he would not have a career but for the millions spent by the record company (EMI - the death wish Corporation) on hyping everything he does.

Robbie' recent exploits have been getting so bizarre they are bordering on Michael Jackson - esque.

So Robbie, you can get all the court judgements you want. We migh believe you are a hetrosexual regular guy when you stop telling us how big your knob is and how many girlies you have shagged. Straight ment stop acting like that when they are around 25.
(OK, I know... There are a lot of latent homosexuals in the world.)

But even when you convince us you are straight Robbie, you will still be a talentless dancer from a boy band.

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Hospital Food.
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-08

We did not need the papers to tell us hospital food is crap.

When I was in hospital a few years ago they had a very creative approach to getting patients to eat. Refuse the pigswill put in front of you and they would call in the shrinks.

In one instance, when I had refused several meals in a week, the shick came around and asked me if I liked eating. "Oh yes, I love good food I replied."

"Then why" said the shrink, "are you behaving like someone with an eating disorder and refusing meals?" I replied, very calmly and slowly "because you would have to have an eating disorder to put that shit in your mouth." (Actually I used to get family members to bring stuff in. Marks and Spencers single portions are very palatable - but of course not everyone was in that position.)

RELATED POSTS: Health Menu

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The Chronicles of Nadia?
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-09

On seeing the schedule of new film releases for this week I had a panic attack. "Oh no," I screamed, "some idiot has made a film about that noisy transsexual from Big Brother, the one with the stupendously unreal breasts. But the reality was worse, I had read Nadia for Narnia; someone has made a film about those stupendously boring children's books that a certain type of adult was always very keen to force on us in the 1950s and 60s.

The story of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe had great appeal as an indoctrination tool because it was claimed to be an allegory for the Jesus myth (where does the wardrobe come into it? you might well ask. Well Jesus was a carpenter. Oh yes, they were originally a trio before he left to form his own band. Rumour has it he was jealous of Richard's somewhat suspect relationship with Karen.) You see that Christian allegory is all rubbish. LW&W is a nazi allegory. Think about it, were the Pevensie family black? No, they were Middle class English protestants. Why was the messiah character portrayed as a Lion? Well everybody knows Lions are not Jewish. And the plot? After a spot of unrest among the plebs the Lion is killed which throws the Kingdom of Narnia into despair. When the Lion is then resurrected everyone realises it is folly to question authority and they all start toeing the line with unquestioning obedience. C.S. Lewis was a white supremacist from a privileged background. In his version of Christianity, Jesus was an Anglo - Saxon apologist for the ruling classes. Do you want to expose your kids to this stuff?

Fortunately my family were left wing bohemians and kept me well away from such stuff. I was brought up on The Wind In The Willows, in which of course the creatures of the riverbank form a revolutionary militia the resist the oppressive capitalism of the weasels. The old feudal Lord is not stood against a wall and shot, but is allowed to live out his days peacefully so long as he gives up his anti-social activities. After that I moved on to Animal Farm.

Of course, given the plague of religiosity gripping America any film that can claim a twisted Christian theme will do well. Look how they flocked to see "Passion of The Christ" directed by Mel Gibson (5'3") which was not only historically inaccurate but the dialogue was incomprehensible.

What I want to know is when will Hollywood make a film of The Ragged Trousered philanthropists? When I hear about that I will know we are turning a corner.

For the latest on the mounting tension between Jehovah and the Gods of the Celtic Pantheon check out God's Blog.

God's Blog

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Chip and Pin on my shoulder
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-12

Went Christmas (oops, sorry - I mean "Wintermas," got to be P.C. - shopping today. Every shop I went in the chip and pin system was not running. Now I recall earlier this year getting lots of mail from my bank about how great the chip and pin system was and yet, far from having teething probles like any other baby, it seems to have been born without a head.

Or......could it be....... no, of course not, those nice people at the banks can be trusted can't they......but just imagine if they were a buch of crooks, would it be possible thay lied to us about the security advantages of chip and pin, maybe the system actually makes fraud easier. So maybe the systems are down because it is the only way of stopping people getting ripped off this Christmas. But of course I'm a long standing hater of Christmas, Banks, Government and Blue Peter (just thought I would throw that in.) Maybe I am getting paranoid. Perhaps my travails in the shopping centre were just a multiple case of "Computer says noooo."

SERIOUSLY: Chip and pin does make more difficult the kind of fraud that occous when criminals "skim" you card and use the details to order goods by phone but of course with no visual check, it helps enormously those fraudsters you can get your card details and your pin number (easier than you think) and just wander into shops and buy stuff.

RELATED POSTS: Money Index

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Education, Education, Edu - Show me the money
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-13

Forgive me for feeling like a smug bastard but once again I have been proved years ahead of the mainstream in my thinking. A friend remind me of a conversation we had years ago when, after the unfortunate death of John Smith we were discussing the prospects of the new Labour Leader.

Amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth we held up silver crucifixes, chewed garlic and recited protection spells. " Oh Lords of the four winds, Oh Great Mother Goddess of All Things, Oh Guardians of Sidhe, Save us from ............. TORY BOY.

Yes, the new patron of the peoples' party looked for all the world like those frightful Hooray Henries who throughout the eighties had brayed obnoxious phrases like "it's impossible to be over-privileged, one is either privileged or one is a prole"; and; "proles ask how can we move to where there is work? Simple, just call Harrods and they take care of everything."

And of course Blair proved to be just such a creature, albeit with better presentation skills. So deft in fact were his presentation skills that he managed to fool the electorate into voting for him in three General Elections.

But now even the most loyal labourite, David Blunkett, has had enough of the leader's constant sucking up to the rich and powerful, e.g. "'ere Mr Murdoch sir, don't you be beating that starving, wheelchair bound, educationally disadvantaged blind fellow with that awful heavy stick sir. Such onerous tasks are beneath your eminent self sir, your highnessness. Let New Labour do it for you. Ho yes sir, the likes of us sir, we hought to know our place and halways be willing to do the dirty work for you rich people what are clearly the beloved of God sir."

The loyal (well while he had his trousers on at least) Blunkett is said to be organising opposition within the Labour ranks to Blair's plan to sell of education provision to rich American corporations who will indoctrinate our kids with religious bigotry and demand fat fees in return for that dubious service.

But Blair need not worry, for who is promising support for the Education Bill? Its the Eton Rifles led by New Improved Tory Boy. David Cameron has pledged to support Blair "when he is right" i.e. whenever he comes up with a plan to hand money so painfully extracted from the British middle and working classes and hand it over to fat rich fascists who have promised to do absolutely nothing in return.

EDUCATION MENU

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Goodbye Charlie ?
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-15

Goodbye Charlie Kennedy

The Claymores are out for poor Charlie (Chuckie-bum) Kennedy. Surely we will soon have two new party leaders in British politics and will be counting down to the demise of The Great Satan Blair himself.

Charlie K is a nice guy, a brilliant panellist on Have I Got News For You and the sort of convivial bloke nobody would mind having a drink - or numerous drinks if the press are to be believed - with. But as the potential leader of a great nation Chuckie Bum has never quite been able to hack it.

Maybe this lack of credibility is due to the fact that he is a Liberal - Democrat, hardly a confidence inspiring name as it suggests they can't make up their minds what they are, or perhaps it has something to do with his more than passing resemblance to the child actor who plays Victoria Sugden in T.V. soap Emmerdale.

The biggest part of the problem though is that Charlie has red hair. Can you think of a single charismatic leader since Erik the Red (no, not Cantona but a relative of Thorfinn Skullsplitter and Ragnar the Bloody) who had a carroty top. Let's face it, if Charlie Kennedy had asked the 600 men of the Light Brigade to follow him into the Valley of Death they would have replied "Ours but to do or die? Eff off, you're a ginge."

CHECK OUT There Are Many Dieases at Headbutt blog

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The Fix Factor
posted by ian r thorpe
2005-12-16

So the day of the final is upon us and are we all gripping the edge of our seats as we wait, agog, to learn who will win the X-Factor, be awarded a "multi-million" pound recoding contracts and propelled on a trajectory that will take them beyond the orbit of mere mortals and into the stratosphere of superstardom. I think not, I just wantewd to show that I can do hyperbole even better than the X - Factor publicists.

"That's fine Ian," you all shout, "but can you do litotes."

"AHEM.....lalalalalaaaaaa." (just warming up)

"Last year's winner Steve Brookstein, you may remember, went on to display the gobsmacking depths of his mediocrity and was quickly dropped by his record company."

YEEEES, RESULT! Poor Steve, but he never had it did he.

The mediocrity of the year's winner is already assure because the talented and incredibly good looking Maria was eliminated a while ago and the good looking and incredibly talented Brenda bowed out last week, leaving us with a Robbie (Zero Talent) Williasms - wannabee Shayne; a boy bland, Journey South and nice guy Andy who is talented but in an International Cabaret Circuit kind of way.

Amazingly (honestly, you will be absolutely a-fucking-mazed to learn this)this leaves each of the celebrity no-mark mentor/judges with a contestant each in the final. Now who would ever have thought it would turn out like that.

Let's face it, we are lucky not to have Chico in there, although I suspect Mr. Muscle Mania 1999 will be the real winner if he reinvents himself as a cross between Black Lace and The Chuckle Brothers.

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Cup - Bearer to the Celebs
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-19

Mariah Carey would have us believe that she is a regular sort of girl who does not mind getting her hands dirty and not the egomaniacal diva some sections of the media suggest.

So what does a regular sort of girl do when she goes into Starbucks? Well if she is in any way at all regular she does not take her cup-bearer along.

You might think that cup bearing is a profession that died out with the Olympian Gods of Ancient Greece. Gods are too important to lift cups to their own lips of course, so they had Hebe* who had previously been a herder of Peacocks, another profession for which there is not much call down at the local job - centre, and Ganymede, a beautiful young man, carried off by Zeus to replace Hebe as tastes in Olympia became more sophisticated (or less Arcadian and more Greek.)

A picture in this weekends' press shows Ms. Carey attended by her cup bearer who solicitously holds a polystyrene cup while La Donna Mariah sucks on a plastic straw.

Well if Mariah has a professional cup bearer you can bet Madonna has one. Or maybe that is just the title The Queen Of Wrinkly Rock gives the pretty boy who follows her around out of regard for Guy Ritchie's feelings.

One wonders what will be the next ego-inflating fad among the celeb culture? Who will be first to emulate King Henry VIII and appoint a Groom Of The Stool (or in the language of the street, a Royal Arse Wiper. I have it on good authority that the position was created before Henry got too fat to wipe. Presumably he was too busy sacking monasteries and topping his wives to bother with mundane tasks.

If Posh was too proud to push will she also be too weird to wipe. Will J-Lo appoint a cludgie assistant to work alongside the eyebrow assistant, the bikini line assistant and the moustache assistant (oops - that's another "cease and desist" on the way.)

Would I apply for the job of Mariah's arse wiper? Certainly not.

Now if it was Kate Winslet...

*Hebe trebled up as Goddess of Youth. In an excellent TV adaptation of Mary Wesley's novel "Herding Peacocks" she was portrayed by Serena Scott- Thomas (a relative of Kristen and just as lovely) who provided the most erotic TV scene ever when she posed in front of a full length mirror, naked except for a red hat and matching stiletto heeled shoes, thus providing both front and back view.

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The Grey and White Peril Coming To Your Backyard
posted by ian r thorpe
2005-12-20

A new hazard threatens the peace and security of the Nimby's who so recently fled the social chaos of the urban jungle to seek a better quality of life in the country. These people are now clamouring to get back into loft apartments cocooned safely in the regeneration areas of the city centres as nature red in tooth and claw conspires to drive them to new levels of paranoia. The nimbys are under threat as gangs of Badgers roam the fields and hedgerows threatening to spread T.B. and Bird Flu among dogs, cats, ornamental poultry, other domestic animals and garden gnomes. The Badgers, mostly young and predominantly male, feel marginalised and alienated by the way their environment has been bulldozed to make way for Persimmon Homes Developments.

"I feel some sympathy for them in a way" said Chief Inspector Eric Hunt of the Merchantbankershire police, even a one bedroomed starter hole round here can cost close to quarter of a million. What chance has a local Badger of ever getting on the mortgage ladder?" Investment Bankers Rupert and Jacintha Offcomer told Boggart Blog that the police are hostile to people like themselves because they are newcomers.

"Our cat Raffles is was traumatised when a young Badger in a hoodie stopped her and asked if she was sorted for TB and Bird Flu." she said Jacintha (32) and looking radiant in a scoop necked T-shirt from D&G.

Rupert (37) then added "that is just the kind of thing we moved out here to get away from as his wife broke down in tears

. "It's a difficult situation" said Eric Hunt, "We are trying to work with the leaders of the Badger community but each time we arrest a renegade Badger it just attracts new recruits for the gangs. Some people say we should get tough, but if you send an unruly young Badger to prison, a few months later you release a fully trained criminal into the community. No, I think we should persevere with Anti Social Badger Orders and ask the rich, privileged, egomaniacal cu..... country migrs to be a little more tolerant. After all, the Badgers were here before the Bankers.

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Dance Me To The End Of Sanity
posted by ian r thorpe
2005-12-22

A team of scientists have found that men who are good at dancing have the most sex appeal.

That scientists can be so arse - brained as to carry out such a pointless survey should astound nobody. That scientists can draw such an arse - brained conclusion makes one wonder if the Intelligent Design people might be onto something after all, because the study was inspired by one of Darwin's theories.

Now men of my generation, who have always known that dancing is something you would not be seen dead doing unless you are trying to cop off will understand that trying to acquire skills at dancing is deeply suspect behaviour in a man (too narcissistic to be homosexual even.)

According to Prof. William Brown of Rutgers University, New Jersey, dancing ability is one of the most important qualities women seek in potential mates. Prof. Brown does not offer any further elaboration so I must refer to the UK's most learned academic forum, the Lounge Bar at the Albion for an explanation.

The "Golden Chamber" has concluded after many years of study and debate that women are naturally predisposed to pick the most useless males on the basis that total wankers are more likely to need "mothering." Yes, women may complain of the general total-tosserishness of their mates but if they will insist on mating with guys who are more interested in "perfecting their moves" than learning how to pout a new washer on a tap then who is to blame when the kitchen floor is flooded again.

Prof. Brown further demonstrates how long it is since any of his team visited Planet Reality by suggesting his survey proves women are more choosy in selecting partners.

CALUMNY!

Men take time, we look for many qualities; warm, outgoing personality, modest tastes in drinks and gifts, attractive hair, smart clothes, sexy eyes, CSL, firm arse, pert breasts, and of course, IS SHE UP FOR IT? And for this they brand us commitmentphobes. On the other hand I remember saying to a female member of my team once "Tracey, this is the third time in four months he's sent you to work with black eyes, why do you stay," to which Tracey replied "he's a great dancer but he gets so wound up before competitions." Let's face it, some women are just too easy to impress. A man can be a total bastard, so long as he is good at dancing he's certain to score.

But we all know (even women who marry such guys) that good dancers posses in abundance all the qualities women claim to hate. What kind of a man is willing to make a total twat of himself in front of all his mates by getting out on a dance floor and poncing about like Ricky Gervais on Meth?

Oh well, we can take comfort in the fact that the survey was carried out in New Jersey.

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Rolf Paints The Queen.
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-30

Hi there cobbers, heh heh,

The picture we're gonna paint today tells the story of an old Queen who used to come and visit us in the Australian Outback sometimes and how her son Cheerful Charlie tried to get rid of her because he wanted to be King. Well wouldn't you?

Just paint all this kinda yellowy - brown (slosh slosh), and a few little splashes of green for the scrubby little bushes and trees, yeah, and a big red mound on the horizon, that's Ayres Rock and you're starting to get an idea of what the outback is like, heh heh.

Well what happened was like this, one day Cheerful Charlie and his shiela, Camilla were taking a walk by the Billabong with his boys, Willie and Harry.... and the old Queens pet dingo named James Whittaker who was panting along behind them land he was making a noise something like hoooh-ah-ah-aaaah-ah-ah-hooh.

Yeah heh-heh-heh, just paint a bit of greeny blue in there for the water of the Billabong (slosh slosh) and a few little dabs of white for the fluffy clouds reflected on the water.

Anyway, they were walking by the Billabong and Camilla says, "its time you got a proper job Charlie, you spend too much time talking to trees - and we'd better put an old Eucalyptus tree in here (slosh slosh) coz that's Charlie's best mate, and a bit of a broken old fence there, just to add atmosphere.

There. D'y know what it is yet?

So while Charlie is thinking of an excuse to get Camilla off his case one of the boys has brought along his new Boomerang that he got for Christmas, and so as there's just the four of them around and a bunch of Aborigines in the far distance he speaks up, "Ay say Pater, ay'm absoluteleh dying tay tray may new boomerang. If I thray it ite here will it come back?" And the voice of one of the Abo's comes across the Outback, "If it hit any of us it bloody will mate." Little bit of black hair on the Abo's there, and a couple of thin lines for their ceremonial spears, coz they are about to perform a traditional dance. And that gives Charlie an idea. (slosh slosh) heh-heh-heh.

Four kinda knobbly little legs in there, and a fancy hat, all gold and purple with some spots of green, red and blue for emeralds, rubies and sapphires coz its a crown, yeah, and some little brown corks hanging off the rim. D'y know what it is yet.

And when Charlie has thought through his idea he says to Camilla and the boys, "You know, Mama likes watching natives dancing, how about we kidnap her and send her out here to live with the Abo's. No one will ever find her and I can be Prince Regent, a bit of swirly grey there, like an old lady's hair, a nose, a pair of glasses, and another face here, kind of droopy expression on it and y'see its the Queen sitting on her throne in the outback watching the Abo's dancing and Charlie, Camilla and the boys and they're singing...


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