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The Ship of Dead Dreams. (The Fate of X-Factor Losers)
The X Factor ended another run in December, the winner had a hit record, No 2 in the pop music charts, the other finalists up will get their moment or fifteen as the show goes on tour but what of the rest. For them the New Year is a ship of dead dreams.
The Ship of Dead Dreams. (The Fate of X-Factor Losers)
by Ian R Thorpe
2007-12-17
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: x factor, fame, celebity, music, television, talent, cowell, reality, humour, humor

Pity the undead, not the creatures of Gothic fiction and Hammer Horror movies, but the real undead, those who simply do not know how to die. Age does not spare them its indignities and infirmity is their constant companion as they cling to a slender thread of life, unable to find the key that will open the door to admit them to the unexplored country from in whose bourne no traveller returns.

Where do they go, these stupendously decrepit individuals, how do Governments conceal their uneconomic non existence from we who are constantly exhorted to labour and save in order the fund the growth the global economy needs?

The answer is they book cruises on the Cruiseship of Dead Dreams.

You or I could not pop into our local travel agent and say I want a cruise on the Ship Of Dead Dreams, the counter staff who all undergo special training at the Russell Crowe Academy of Bad Acting, would effect unconvincing expressions of incredulity and deny the existence of such a ship.

This is an urban myth, they would protest, much as Jewish priests would deny the Merkabah, the fantasmagorical chariot in which Jehovah rides in the opening chapter of the Book of Ezekiel. This chariot whose wheels are rimmed with fire and spoked with four living creatures, a lion, a serpent, an eagle and a man circles the earth eternally carrying the sacred fire of God, just like the one created by Hermes Trismegistos to ferry the sun through the heavens. No wonder the Jews keep that quiet.

In the same way Simon Cowell suppresses knowledge of the Ship of Dead Dreams as it circumnavigates the globe bearing its cargo of the lost and the hopeless, the secret that the boring do not die bust simply pass on to a life of hellish blandness and mediocre music. You see the undead do not know how to die because they never truly lived. They are the people who spend Saturday nights electing the winners of television talent shows.

For their sins they are condemned to suffer being entertained by failed winners and defeated finalists of a talent show for the talentless, the flotsam and jetsam of showbusiness, the rejects of the celebrity mill.

The ship's current entertainment staff, led by Steve (somewhat less interesting) Brookstein, Goat-boy Chico and Journey South who would have been better advised to make the journey back north after their Grail Quest had ended in a cul-de-sac in Neasden, are all would be stars whose dreams died when they failed to make the transition from talent show to real world. Also on board are Andy Abrahams, Rowetta, and somebody called Tabby (who might once have been one of fatsallys cats) Soon they will be joined by last years losing finalists little Ray Quinn (still available for panto, producers please note), and Proclaimers Tribute band The McDonald Brothers.

This years finalists make the ship in record time and be the cargo that capsizes the Cruiseship of Dead Dreams. The preternaturally happy bother and sister act with their automaton grins look as if they were created by some evil mastermind in the empty magma chamber of an extinct volcano on the Isle of Wight* while galloping albinism sufferer Rhydian who managed to make great rock ballads sound ridiculous by singing them in an operatic tenor with a thick Welsh accent has the look of a perpetually startled gerbil. Yes I did say an operatic tenor. Did you think this show was about finding pop singers? Well to The-Undead-In-Waiting, Bridge Over Troubled Waters is a bit of that there heavy metal.

We must hope the Ship Of Dead Dreams continues its voyage or where will the wannabes go to die. Then, like Joe Pasquale, Brian Conley and Gary Wilmot the will haunt our lives and our television screens forever.

* Wight is an island off the South Coast, wight is an Old English for undead spirit. Cool connection eh?

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