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Obama Prepares To Conker The World
Barack Obama is hated in his own country for many reasons,mostly because he is a politician, a liberal and a pseudo - intellectual. A superhero is what he is not and a lot of perple are bitter about that because he gave the impression he was. Elsewhere else he is hated because he is American, because he is muslim, because he is not muslim, because he is gay, because he will not come 'out' etc. So how do Asmerican security services keep him safe? The U.S. President seems to have lost interest in domestic politics and the realities of the economic crisis and the global recession. People familiar with Obama's track record will be aware that every time he has been elected top an office, state congresss, US senate, President, instead of fulfilling the duties of that role he has immediately started campaigning for his next elevation. So having become, de facto, the most powerful man in the world is Mr. Obama's incrasing focus on foreign affairs a sign that he has already begun his campaign to be declared President of the Universe..


Obama Prepares To Conker The World.
28 May 2009

After the frenetic pace of his first 100 days in office President Barack Obama seems to be slowing down a little and pushing himself less often into the public eye. Sometimes almost a week will go by without his making a major speech or announcing a new plan to restart the U.S. economy by spending $1trillion of public money on bailing out failed businesses / individuals. He has even found it is possible to have a dialogue with America's allies in the free world without telling them how their nations and communities should be run. So are the burdens of office weighing heavily on his padded shoulders, is responsibility etching the lines in his photoshopped face? Or is something else going on?

Critics may think The President is running out of steam but this is not so. He is a man driven by ambition. Look at his track record, every time Mr. Obama has taken a step up the ladder he has immediately started working towards his next goal. It is fair to ask "what is there left to achieve for somebody who has become President Of The United States, the de facto leader of the free world. Like the amplifiers in the film Spinal Tap, when you have turned the dial up to ten there is nowhere left to go, that is how it looked to be with Barry's career. The fictional band solve their problem by having amplifiers made with dials that went up to eleven an example of the kind of lateral thinking that powered the Obama presidential campaign. If there is nowhere left to go you make somewhere.

A contact in the CIA tells me this is precisely what is happening now. Barack Obama was never really interested in being President of the U.S.A. to him it was just a stepping stone in his ascent to divinity. The immediate aim now is to be acclaimed President Of The World which will lead to becoming President Of The Universe. One world was never going to be enough for Barack Hussein Obama.

For the first time though the path cannot be smoothed by wealthy, secretive backers, a compliant media and a political establishment with too much to lose to object. To win over all the nations of the world Obama must show he is really superhuman and that may not be easy. When meeting the Israeli Prime Minister recently Obama announced that he had been tasked with reconciling Jews and Palestinians, instruction coming directly from God, Mr. Netanyahu is reported to have replied, "We've only got your word for that."

Team Obama always knew it would take more than words. This is why The President has not been quite so prominent in the media recently. The CIA contact told us this:

The plan has always been to use the visit to Israel as a springboard to the World Presidency. Mr. Obama told us he would walk across the Sea Of Galilee to symbolically reconcile Christianity and Islam and after that nothing could stand in the way of his bid to conquer the world." Well that is fine but out there on the lake surface he would be a sitting duck.

We told him the risks were too great but he just reminded us he was elected and can do what he likes, it's our job to protect him. People out there are not aware of the nightmares this Presidency gives security forces. A black President who can't make up his mind whether he is Christian or Muslim is a natural target for every nutjob who knows how to aim a gun. As if that was not bad enough he insists on letting people touch him when he goes among them to bestow blessings. The only people we let near are selected supporters who have been subjected to a body cavity search of course. Its surprising how many Obama supporters are more eager to get the body cavity search than they are to meet Mr. Obama but even so the risks are enormous. Forget the credit crisis and the collapsing dollar, it's protecting The President's scrawny ass that is bankrupting the country.

Formal occasions like The Inauguration are manageable, we can just keep him behind a screen of bullet-proof glass. The problems increase exponentially in an informal situation or on foreign soil. Usually we have to place B.O. in a giant Plexiglas hamster ball designed by NASA to be completely transparent. People put their hand on the ball where his is and are convinced he touched them.

When it comes to walking on water the hamster ball was a no-no. One; the Sea of Galilee can get quite choppy and if The President was falling about inside a plastic ball he would look like a bozo. This is a transformational moment in world history, we do not want it to look like a Japanese TV gameshow. Two; the hamster ball would be at the mercy of the wind. The President could be blown ashore in hostile territory, areas controlled by Hamas for example. The only solution would be to make The President bullet proof.

It seemed like an impossible task, I mean they don't even have that kind of technology in Bond films yet. One of he first things we had looked at was perhaps photoshopping him some way. People say pictures of him are retouched to make him look blacker, give him a stronger jawline and reduce the comedy effect of his ears. In fact it is not the pictures that are photoshopped but The President himself. Adobe software worked with a top medical technology research team to adapt an MRI scanner so instead of just imaging tissue cells it rearranged the molecules. The effects wear of after about thirty minutes but that is manageable. We tried adapting that technology to turn natural skin to kevlar for the walking on water stunt but it did not work.

We also got in touch with Madonna's people to find out how she had her skin turned to kevlar. That was a straightforward artificial skin graft but was not unfortunately it was not practical as The President has to look real and Madonna no longer does. Even her ex hubby said getting afectionate with her was like cuddling a plank of wood. Well nobody would accept a President Of The World who looks more wooden than Mr. Obama does already.

Eventually one of our people in England had an idea. English schoolkids have a game they play in the fall, they take the nuts from the Horse Chestnut tree which are called conkers, hang them on a string and take turns to whack their opponents conker until one or other breaks. Well those kids have developed all sorts of tricks to make their nuts unbreakable. The most successful technique for rendering conkers invulnerable is to soak them in vinegar. A couple of days in vinegar and those nuts will handle being hit with anything. Mr Obama could conquer the world but only if we conkered him first.

By calculating the weight differential we worked out a man of The President's body mass would have to be totally immersed in vinegar, breathing through a tube for 480 hours. There was no option, it had to be done. He sleept in a tank of vinegar, we installed a tank on Air Force One, there is a mobile tank in the trunk of the Presidential Limo. Sometimes he would spend all day in a tank of vinegar. Now he is so hard bullets just bounce off his skin.

The $20 billion pledged to the vinegar industry in the stimulus bill looked crazy at the time but now everybody can see it is money well spent.

The next step for Obama will be when he has an anti gravity device implanted up his ass so he can ascend to heaven. That is going to pose a whole new set of security problems if we are to prevent the North Koreans bringing him down with a missile.

Our thanks to the inside contact with the CIA who, for obvious reasons, cannot be named. This information offers a valuable insight into the direction in which the Obama Administration is leading the world.

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