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Apple Launches Its iPerv App
Apple launched the latest App for its gadgets this week, a bit of software that monitors internet connections for signs of paedophiles trying to contact kids. If it is not called the iPerv App it should be. We foresee problems however. It will take the average kid about five seconds to learn how to disable it

Safety First…Second and Third
by Ian R Thorpe
2005-07-10
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: apple, technology, computer, ipod, iphone, phone, cellular, nerd, geek, gadget, network, satire, humour, humor

A new App for the Apple iPhone launches this week. It's a bit of a weird one too because this little software gadget will, according to its creators, raise an alarm when a pedophile is getting near your child.

Now having been a computer guy who specialised in networks and communications I was intrigued because I could not for the life of me fathom out how such a programme might work.

I have blogged many times about the way Apple's kit often falls way short of the hype and about those technology addicts who are as determined to believe computers are intelligent, thinking creatures like us as they are to convince us science is infallible and people who question scientists believe the earth is flat. In these lampoons I have said that machines are not intelligent and can only follow the instructions programmed into them.

When news broke of the iPervert (as it ought to be named) App my confidence was rocked. Maybe I had been wrong, maybe the nerds had been telling the truth all along and they can make an intelligent machine with consciousness, perceptions and the ability to discriminate. Maybe Apple are selling a piece of kit that can spot a paedo I told myself as I began to research this piece.

Then in a Damscine moment understanding dawned. Apple's gadgets access the internet via cellular networks, each device emits a slow poll, an electro - magnetic pulse to let the network know it is live and where it is. So each iPhone, iPod, iPad etc. knows where all the others are because when it interrogates the network the information is there. Here's the clever bit though, humans have an electromagnetic field too. With iPerv loaded on an iPhone the presence of humans can be sensed.

Naturally, being Appleheads, iPhone owners habitually walk round with their gadgets held prominently in front of them. 'Look, I'm not a geek, I'm human,' they are saying, 'I have my iPhone ready in case one of my thirty million facebook friends sends me a status update.' In reality they are waiting for the call from Davros Steve Jobbies that will signal Appleheads are to rise up and take over the world.

This means the iPhone is always in the ideal position to scan any approaching human who does not have an Apple gadget about their person. When such a person is identified a little gnome jumps out of the iGadget, points at the Apple rejectionist and begins to jump up and down screaming "Paedo, paedo..."

Nobody wants to be branded a paedo so as word gets round we will all have to hurry off to order an Apple gadget which we will then never leave home without. And so Apple's World Domination Agenda will be advanced again.

From an ethical point of view it may stink but as a cynical marketing ploy it will be hard to beat.

(We should point out the new App monitors e-mail, instant messaging and chat rooms for signs of grooming. Unfortunately some people still insist on trying to take Boggart Blog seriously.)

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Internet Access As A Human Right?
A survey carried out by the BBC found a majority of people around the world believe internet access should be a basic human right. We suspect a bit of statistical rigging because the majority of people in the world live below the poverty line and probably have more urgent priorities than surfing the net.

A-level pass? Computer Says No
What happened when a computer programme was set to marking English A - level examination papers? Well it wasn't literature.

Is The Internet Making Us All Stupid.
The more gullible and wide eyed among academics like to burble ecstatically about how the internet has ushered in a new age of creativity. We have to wonder just how much time these self styled experts have spent surfing scial networking sites
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Who Needs HDTV
Do you ever wonder why you bought all your stuff? Do you really need a new cellphone every two years and how many times have you replaced a perfectly good computer because something new had come of the market. Technology is the biggest scam ever. For example, why do we need HDTV?
The Great Internet Scam An examination of the way the internet and the world wide web have been exploited by commercial interests to turn users into a cash cow for profiteers. Originally intended to be a global resource for learning, the distribution of information and a communication tool for individuals, because there was no proper regulation the web has turned into a haven for thieves, con artists and porn merchants while its potential for good is pushed to the margins.

Technology Is Anthropology

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February 2020


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