It was revealed on the day after Apple's iPad launched in Britain that the latest useless gadget from the world's biggest con artists and producers of highly sought after but totally pointless gadgets had shifted two million units in less than two months. Think of that, there are two million stupid cunts in the world.

Still if you are rich, gullible and stupid enough to have spent the last decade buying gadgets that do exactly what your friends gadgets do but less well and at double the cost you are rich, gullible and stupid enough to pay £500 ish for a gadget that is not a laptop (no keyboard), not a mobile phone, not an eBook reader (screen is too glossy to read long documents and not a DVD player though you can play movies.

You can also listen to music (but of course you already have an MP3 player) make phone calls (but you already have a mobile phone) and browse the internet (except it does not support flash so you can't see movies on You Tube. But hey, what the hell, by buying Apple's latest overpriced gadget you have affirmed your status as a member of the Apple cunt's club and as somebody who is both rich and stupid enough to fall for Apple's schtick. Oh and of course you love that logo, its soooooooooo cute.

And if your friends are still ripping you about your decision to buy an iPad (if you have any friends that is) you can become a recluse and sit alone in your lonely apartment playing with your iFart app 24/7 Get bored? Hey, the kind of people who buy an iPad are going to be amused by the iFart app forever.

Since they stopped trying and failing miserably to make computers and became a marketing company for overpriced toys that a certain type of person buys for exactly the same reasons as some folk join the Church of Scientology, Apple has attained cult status among the kind of insecure, religion hating nerds who nonetheless need something to worship. All the usual suspects love the iPad, people who got a GCSE 'O' level biology (grade D) and consequently think they are "scientists" and thus qualified to pontificate on all matters related to the many hundreds of highly specialised branches of the sciences, celebrities with intellectual pretensions, celebrities who would like to have intellectual pretensions but they can't spell either word, third rate media hacks who call themselves "science writers" because they have GCSE O level (Grade D) in biology (sic) and Stephen Fry.

Well Stephen is a bloody good bloke so we will put it down to the fact he's bipolar and excuse him.

In coverage of the launch it was reported Stephen was queuing outside the Apple store in Regent Street to buy and iPad even though he already owns one. Now that is disturbing, it makes Apple nerds sound as sad as Michael Jackson fans who would buy the same album twenty times because the world's greatest kiddie fiddler's 'people' kept releasing it with a different cover pic.

When Stephen was asked why Apple aficionados behave like Scientologists and Michael Jackson fans and was there not an element of the religious cult in such behaviour he told the reporter, "There's a camaraderie among Apple users; we remember when we were being laughed at and told we would only get spare parts in a hobby shop."

Well that prediction did not come true. There are no spare parts with Apple now so if anything goes wrong you just have to buy a new unit or risk being excommunicated.

"It is nothing like a religious cult, Apple fans buy the products out of genuine enthusiasm," Fry added even though Apple swear they are not paying him. So they are like pre - pubescent Scientologists or they type of Michael Jackson fan who would get invited to a sleepover party at Neverland then.

(Because many people out there will in a knee jerk reaction dismiss me as a technophobic dinosaur, for the record I wrote a program that made fart noises back in the early 1980s, twenty five years before Apple got there. But I evolved. So who are the dinosaurs.

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