logo
The Seven Profitable Habits Of Self Help Gurus
KEYWORDS: self help, success, positive,self-esteem, wealth,humour,humor,satire


How do all those self help gurus whjo have made millions form their wealth / success / self-esteem programmes keep managing to sell their unremittingly banal, predicable and useless self help books? Here satirical writer Ian Thorpe reveals the secret methods know only to a few wealthy international con artists that keep those self help books selling.

CREATIVE COMMONS: Some rights reserved. Distribution: Non - commercial, attrib, no derivs, All reproductions should be credited to Boggart Blog and linked to "http://www.greenteethmm.com/"

The Seven Profitable Habits of Self Help Gurus
by Ian R Thorpe
2007-03-23

Ever your guide and mentor, Jenny Greenteeth has been alarmed at the proliferation of business blogs selling self help programs here recently.

Don't be conned, you too can be a rich, successful Self Help Guru, just follow the special Labyrinth guide guide (below.)

The title is a shameless parody of Steven R. Covey’s multimillion selling “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” of course. And why not, he is one of the leading exponents of a craft I am about to debunk.

Around fifteen years ago, as a consultant, I frequently used to come across people who would speak of Covey’s book in the reverential tones religionists reserve for their sacred texts.

The book (Covey’s book not The Book) was about success, or as D.H. Lawrence put it “the bitch goddess success,” so it was perfect bedtime reading for the driven young executive because it seemed to offer the obsessively ambitious a shortcut to their goal.

Another book that made somebody rich bore the title “In Search of Excellence.” This looked at the qualities that make a successful organisation.

In a society built of selfishness the self - help industry had tapped a rich vein.

Since then self help books have become a major industry.

It could be said that the books enslaved people as effectively as an addictive drug and the psychology of self help is certainly similar, the unfulfillable promise is there, the great secret will be revealed of how to achieve not the best time you ever had but: promotion, wealth, status, happiness, a fulfilling relationship, perfect mashed potatoes - no, scrub that one - and popularity. All anybody needs to do is read the book, apply its techniques and everything will just happen.

And if it doesn’t, you are a failure, loser, dick - head, a no - mark. Go down that road and you only have one place to turn. More self help.

Surveys have shown that despite the self - justifying claims of those who followed the advice offered in self help books, they have not actually done better on average, nor have their businesses. Publishers may produce the one person in a hundred who can truthfully say “after reading this my life took off.” It is not in their interests to highlight the ninety - eight who have been subject to life’s usual ups and downs or the one whose life has fallen apart, who is living in a hostel, unemployed, bankrupt.

That the self help advice does not actually work is no surprise to those of us who approach all things with a healthy degree of scepticism. The advice seems remarkably similar across the board: make lots of lists so you look efficient; learn to shift blame (they call it delegating but there is a huge difference); sing most loudly when singing one’s own praises; work hard - well put in the hours at least; be a bully - again they are mealy mouthed, calling it assertiveness; manage your time effectively and most of all prioritise what you have to do. So here, so that you too can be a millionaire self help guru are:

The Seven Profitable Habits Of Self Help Gurus.
The first profitable habit of is State The Obvious.
The one that always gets me is “prioritise.” Does a drunk not prioritise going to the pub. Does a great Dad not prioritise spending time with the children, a writer makes a priority of having quiet time at the keyboard and a biker will push everything aside in order to spend time on the road. We don’t think of these things as prioritising because they are the things in life that are important to us, that make life worth living. We prioritise going to work over doing things we enjoy because we need to keep a roof over our head and food on the table.

Give tips like “keep a diary so you do not forget appointments / birthdays etc.” Everybody knows this is common sense but proclaim it as a great revelation. Recommend that people suck up to the boss, evade responsibility, shift blame and in times of difficulty always take refuge in bureaucracy and avoid having to make desicions. I remember one little video clip of a well known guru who showed how to deal with a problem like this:
Employee: We have a problem boss.
Boss: What is your problem Fred.
Guru (to camera) : See how the boss shifted that problem back to Fred and delegated responsibility. What is YOUR problem. Well that’s fine except in the real world if a member of the team has a problem ultimately its the boss’ arse that is on the line. If that does not apply then the department is not functioning but simply playing politics.

The second profitable habit is Make Big Assumptions. Your readers are going to be ultra conformists so pretend that everybody except the losers is doing the stuff in the book. Play on people’s insecurities. You may doubt the effectiveness of this, surely you think, people are not so gullible?

Are the Scientologists making money? You see what I mean?

Not everybody in the world has to be insecure so long as enough are to make your book a best seller.

Next on the list comes Adding Value. Now there is not really much to a self help book, no plot, no character development, the writer can’t go in for long descriptive passages to create atmosphere or action scenes with plenty of short, snappy sentences. So how do they make a very thin book look very thick and thus seem good value for money.

Bullet lists, that’s how. Waffle on for a few pages about the importance of, say making checklists lists - and then summarise what you have written.

Why Make Checklists Lists ?

? To organise your thoughts
? provide a memo of the major points
? keep a record of progress by checking off completed tasks
? create a discussion document
? because lots of paper impresses the boss
? it looks important

and so on. It does not take many words to fill a page like that and the thicker a book is, the more impressive it looks.

Back up with your lists, a few spreadsheets and pie charts, you can make your advice seem far more important and thus add value to your reputation. A few bullet point lists can quadruple your value in the career market.

At Number Four is Be Patronising. Remember you are the successful multi - millionaire author of self - help books and your readers are going to be sad losers who wannabe you. Let them know how sad they are, let them know what a bunch of losers they are. Let them know their place in the food chain is like that of lettuce in the salad bar of life. They only exist to fill the empty spaces. Don’t worry, they will swallow it, after all they want to be like you.

Raise their self esteem by showing them respect and you risk losing a sale. The people who buy your book are nobodies and they can only become somebodies by giving you money.

Five is to write really stupid, trivial things as though they are big deal. There are no new ideas so why waste effort on trying to be original. A favourite phrase of self - help authors is “position yourself to take advantage of opportunities.”

Now think about that... and you will ask yourself “what the hell does it mean.”

Look, imagine it is lunchtime. You are passing a pizza shop and the aromas of onions, garlic, basil and tomatoes make you mouth water. So you go in. Did you position yourself to take advantage of your opportunity to buy pizza or did you simply grab a bite of lunch? See how to inflate the mundane.

At six, sell something that does not exist. Its is difficult to be successful selling paint or cars or toothpaste. Everybody knows what they are worth, there are lots of outlets selling them and people can compare price, quality etc. But if you sell dreams and promises, all you have to do is convince people that your brand of advice will help them achieve their goal of success, wealth, happiness, promotion, a shag or world domination and you can name your price.

Probably the most successful companies in the early 21st century are investment companies and crackpot religions (sic). Investment Companies make billions but what do they sell? The future. Not just futures or derivatives or stocks and bonds but the future. Promises. Crackpot Religions are even better at selling something that does not exist, they sell salvation. From what? From the fires of hell, mortality, judgement, accountability? Or... from our insecurities?

A variant of self help is “lifestyle”. Again it is something that does not exist and yet it makes millions for those who market it properly. Make cheap pine furniture from Sweden into “affordable modular lifestyle enhancing home equipment for the aspirational young professional” and you quadruple its value.

And the final highly profitable habit, you must always be positive. OK the self help writer knows that what they write is absolute claptrap, but in their who attitude when writing, addressing a seminar, giving a speech, or appearing on a talk show is one of utter assurance. These peoples’ certainties are more deeply embedded than those of a doorstep evangelist. And whatever question they are asked, like a doorstep preacher, they will have the answer right off pat. And they will answer fully and frankly not the question they have been asked but the question they wanted to be asked. And of course the answers will all bear a positive spin. Never allow a chink of doubt to show.

So is there any value in all the self - help books? Well here is what they do, its a very simple technique. Most people would like to be billionaires, so the authors look at billionaires. And people who have become billionaires tend to have a few things in common. Most of them eat eggs for breakfast for a start. And they love what they do, in fact they tend to be obsessed with it. Forget correlation does not prove causation, it will seem to if you point it out assertively enough.

Most of us eat eggs for breakfast at some time so actually eating eggs does not mean you will become a billionaire even though breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Similarly being dedicated to your career may get you a long way but it will not guarantee success on your own terms. Bill Gates loves software and Warren Buffett loves dealing investments. Are there not plenty of Software wizards living modestly and earning average salaries or investors whose love of dealing stock and bonds has lost them a fortune? Passion is not everything, talent is important too but luck, sheer chance, plays the biggest role. You have to be in the right place at the right time.

The same rules apply in business. I used to do business with EDS, a company that had a convention among executives, they wore dark suits with a white shirt of blouse and a self coloured tie or belt. Naturally one self help for organisations book cited this as one of the reasons for their success. But Microsoft executives often wear jeans and sweatshirts to work and this has been cited as one of the reasons for their success. So which one is right?

Is the secret of success in the self - help industry starting to reveal itself. All the self - help author does is look at Billionaires after they have become billionaires or corporations that are successful and point to things they have done as being the reasons why they are successful. If somebody could take a hundred ordinary people with ordinary lives and in five years make them all into millionaires or superstars or whatever then we would have a theory worth applying. It would still not be a panacea for the travails of life, for every leader there has to be a number of followers, for every winner there are a number of losers and for every billionaire there must be many people who are broke. The idea that through hard work and dedication anyone may be a success is a cunning piece of social engineering but it quickly collapses when you remember the difference between anyone and everyone and between may and will.

RELATED POSTS:
Apprentice Speak: Talking Corporate Bollocks.As the government tried to sell off last year's stock of swine flu by telling us the pandemic that did not happen last year had come back to not happen again this year. There is a pandemic running round at the moment though as evidenced by this year's UK run of The Appentice on television. If Lord Sugar's candidates were as good at getting things done as they are at talking management spek bollocks he's be on a winner.
Power Of Positive
Cheaper Drugs Now!
The Danger Of Buying Drugs Online
The eXtasy Factor
Bitter Fruit Psychologists Insights Into London Marathon
Have A Nice Day Or Maybe Not Let Down By Hope
The Seven Profitable Habits Of Self Help Gurus
Schadenfreude is the zeitgeist
Shock! Michael Jackson and Barack Obama Are The Same Person
Stupid Evolution
How Stupid Are The Democrats
Barack Obama Museum Of Creation
America Is Collectively Insane
The Stools Of Satan
Another Breakthrough In Hogwash
Britishness For Dummies
ASDA Sat Nav can't see the wood for the trees
News From The Breadline
Where Did All The Money Go?
Reality Check

INFORMATION & NAVIGATION

navigate

CATEGORIES

Fiction
Animal related
Art Menu
America:
Belief, Faith and Religion
Big Data And The Surveillance State
Catalogue of the Bizarre
Our posts on the Brexit saga
Celebrity mocking and knocking
Climate and Environment
Comedy, Satire, Humour
Debt Crisis and Money Matters
Driven To Drink
Europe index of posts
Posts on far east
The trade and commerce catalogue page
Germany - index of posts
EU Immigration crisis
Cultiral Clash - Islam Versus Multiculturalism
Education Menu
Fear and Panic
Globalisation - the enemy of freedom
Geoengineering: Science versus Humanity
Health Menu
History - new perspectives
Immigration crisis
Humanitas
ISIS and the Middle East War
Jobs Crisis
Living Within The conspiracy
Middle East
Nanny State and The Thought Police
Past Perspectives
Philo & Sophia
Politically Correct Stupidity
Fools & Dreamers
Politics and Economy
Recommended Reading
Science and Technology
Sex and sexuality
Sport
Syria -learn what really happened (catalogue) UK politics
Weird and Supernatural
World Politics
SNACKS (sub topics)
The Ageing population
age
Religion and spirituality
Climate Change
Comedy and Humour
Education is overrated
The environment
Europe
Health
Internet Technology
Jobs and employment
Money and finance
Myths and traditions
Nanny Orwell
People and Places
Science, technology
Society
UK politics
War
World Politics

Our Internet Places
Scribd
Blogster
Ed Butt at Bubblews
Wikinuts
Boggart Blog
Little Nicky Machiavelli
Boggart Network News
Greenteeth Bites
Greenboggart
Boggart Blog Central
Daily Stirrer briefing
Boggart Network News
BOGGART BLOG ARCHIVES
BBselect001
BBselect002
BBselect003
BBselect004
BBselect005
BBselect006
MULTI MEDIA
Spoken Word
Video
Music
Graphic Art

LATEST POSTS & COMMENTS

February 2020

Criminal damage in Cambridge reveals the police soft peddaling on Extinction Rebellion crimes Nobody is allowed to walk on the grass outside Trinity College Cambridge. I suppose an exception might be made if you were a 365-year-old don who once lolled under the famous apple tree with Sir Isaac Newton (probably a couple of those old fellows still holed up in the port cellar).

Otherwise, set one foot on that sacred turf and you will soon find yourself experiencing the full force of Newtonian gravity; rugby-tackled to the ground by a puce-faced porter in a bowler hat.

Germany's ruling party split over how to respond to AfD
Germany's Christian Democrat party (CDU) is as deeply divided as Britain's Labour Party over how to respond to the upsurge of nationalism. Facing a serious challenge from the nationalist (but not far right please, they are not that,) Alternative for Germany party (AFD) the CDU seems pitifully unprepared for departure of the Chancellor Merkel at a point when Germany its facing most serious political and economic crisis for decades.

Afer EU Engineered Hiatus Italy Heading For New Elections?
Matteo Salvini's Lega are by far the most popular political party in Italy and have been for some time, only a stitch up engineered by the Brussels bureaucracy has kept them out of power. But Brussels determination to prevent any Eurosceptic party becoming part of a governing coalition in any member state reveals the true, authoritarian nature of the European Union.

Sweden dystopia omnibusSwedish Communist Party: The Left Has Abandoned the Working Class For Migrants & LGBT issues
Are the left getting it at last? Is the message sinking in that the grass roots movements have been infiltrated and hijacked by middle class intellectuals. Are they starting to realise that the obsession with identity politics has supplanted income inequality, housing availability, jobs and the cost of living ... ?

Is the World Health Organization involved in biological warfare research?
Dr. Francis Boyle, a professor of international law, talked in a recent interview with about the Wuhan coronavirus now sweeping through the far east, laboratory in Wuhan, China, where the genetically modified virus appears to have originated, and the World Health Organization’s (WHO) clandestine involvement in biological warfare research ...Continue reading

13-year-old fights school policy allowing ‘trans girls’ into girls’ changing room February 7, 2020 (Paul Smeaton, LifeSiteNews) – A 13-year-old UK girl is taking her local council to court after it issued guidance that would allow boys who identify as “transgender girls” to access girls’ bathrooms, changing rooms, and dormitory rooms on student trips.
The guidance was issued last year as part of the Oxfordshire County Council’s “Trans Inclusion Toolkit for School 2019” project.

RACIST BRITAIN: ‘Black Studies’ Professor Says British Empire Was Worse Than Nazi GermanyBritain’s first professor of “Black Studies”, (yes you can get a Mickey Mouse degree from Toytown University in Black Studies,) who is aquiring quite a reputation for uttering ‘hate speech’ against Britain and white people in general, has now opined the British Empire did “far more harm” than Hitler’s Germany, and branded “whiteness” a “... Continue reading”.

Big Pharma billionaire charged with conspiracy and bribery of doctors
Not long ago it would have been inconceivable that one day a Big Pharma company founder and owner would be arrested for running a criminal drug cartel, but that is exactly what happened a few days ago. “Federal authorities arrested the billionaire founder and owner of Insys Therapeutics Thursday on charges of bribing doctors and pain clinics into prescribing the company’s fentanyl product to their patients ...

Coronavirus Contains “HIV Insertions”: Claim Stokes Fears Over Genetically Modified BioweaponFor the past two weeks mainstream media reporting of the epidemic of a new strain of coronavirus in China has been getting more and more hysterical. However, reports have pushed back against one "conspiracy theory" about the origins of the virus that has now infected as many as 70,000+ people in the central China city of Wuhan alone (depending on whom you believe).

Corona Virus: Should We Worry
The official data coming out of China and from other sources including the World Health Organisation (WHO) on the spread of the Wuhan coronavirus continues to suggest an exponential growth rate. With more and more infectious disease experts are now openly calling the virus a full-blown global pandemic, many people are asking should we in the west be worried and how bad might things get?

The Islamic Republic Of France
France’s left-wing elite are accused of cowardice for failing to support 16-year-old girl facing death threats after she insulted Islam online, the ruling class have been also accused of cowardice for failing to support a 16-year-old girl who has faced death threats after she allegedly insulted Islam online.

Clinton Kill List To Determine Who Will Be US 2020 Presidential Candidate?
And then, in accordance with Murphy’s law, which states just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do, Hillary Clinton has emerged, having found what she obviously thinks is a sure – fire route to the presidency, to offer her services as vice presidential candidate to whoever wins the nomination. And just to show how far The Democrats are removed from reality, many leading figures in the party and the left leaning media think it’s a good idea.

January 2020

Coronavirus Contains “HIV Insertions”: Claim Stokes Fears Over Genetically Modified Bioweapon
The theory that China obtained the coronavirus via a Canadian research program, and started molding it into a bioweapon at the Institute of Virology in Wuhan before it somehow escaped could be an attempt by the establishment (the Davosocracy,) to spread fear and panic as they see resurgent nationalism across the developed world and growing scepticism about

Italy most likely member to quit the EU and demand independence after Brexit -shock poll 23:01 (11 pm) 31 January, the United Kingdom is no longer part of the European Union.

Throughout the day, the last on which the UK will be a member of the European Union, more than 7,000 people took part in an online, and completely meaningless except as a gesture, poll which asked which nation they thought would be next to leave the 27 member bloc ...

US Democratic Party Orders Google To Spread Globalist Propaganda
The U.S. House of Representatives Select Committee on the Climate Crisis has demanded, in a letter to Google CEO Sudar Pichai that the Internet Search giant demonetize climate skeptics, and provide 'education' to millions of people who have been exposed to “dangerous misinformation”. Key actions demanded of Google by The Democrats are:

Time is NOT real: Physicists show EVERYTHING happens at the same time

The concept of time is simply an illusion made up of human memories, everything that has ever been and ever will be is happening RIGHT NOW. That is the theory according to a group of esteemed physicists who aim to solve one of the universe’s mysteries.
Most people do not even consider the concept of time but there is nothing in the laws of physics to state that it should move in the forward direction that we know. The laws of physics are symmetric ultimately meaning that time could have easily moved in a backward direction as it does forward. Indeed some adherents to the ‘big crunch’ theory say time WILL run backwards when the universe stops expanding and starts contracting back in on itself.

The BBC is panicking at the public’s rejection of its arrogant Left-liberal worldview
This is nearly over – this weird disconnect between what most of us understand as reality and the world as seen through the eyes of an all pervasive Authority that was apparently appointed (although we never knew by whom) to establish the limits of public discourse. The crisis of confidence at the BBC – and make no mistake, it is a full blown, all alarm bells ringing, catastrophic crisis ...

The grooming gang cover-up is Britain’s real racism scandal

Forget pathetic 'Princess Pushy' Megan Markle petulantly playing the race card when she found life in the goldfish bowl occupied by Britain's Royal Family was not to her liking, the grooming gang cover up is Britain's racist scandal - and it is far worse than the trivialities that get American libtards screaming about "White Privilege ..."

John McCain’s Widow Comments on Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Trafficking ChargesJohn McCain’s Widow Comments on Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Trafficking Charges


Speaking at a human trafficking event in Florida, McCain revealed that her family was quite familiar with Epstein’s wrongdoings as one girl from her daughter’s high school was actually among the financier’s underage victims, then suddenly acknowledging that she “knew” about his crimes.
More posts:

French Intellectual Jailed for Calling Mass Immigration an “Invasion”
French intellectual Renaud Camus (above) has been conditionally sentenced to 2 months imprisonment for arguing that mass immigration in Europe represents an “invasion.” Summit.news reports: The writer, who is the author of Le Grand Remplacement (The Great Replacement), was charged with “public incitement to hate or violence on the basis of origin, ethnicity, nationality, race or religion.”

“Hard” Of Hearing? PornHub Being Sued By Deaf Man For Lack Of Subtitles
We read today that sex supermaket site PornHub is being sued by Yaroslav Suris, who has filed a lawsuit claiming that its lack of PornHub’s lack of subtitles for the hard of hearing is discriminatory. Suris’ bone of contention is that the website violates his rights under the Americans With Disabilities Act, according to showbiz gossip site TMZ, which broke the story ...

Quitaly Back On As Salvini Prepares To Take On The EU
While the bureaucraps of Brussels were still congratuating themselves on forcing Matteo Salvini’s Lega party out of Italy’s governernment, mainstream media barely bothered to cover the news that Lega won the state elections in Umbria towards the end of October 2019. Thus the story that should have had Europhiles like Emmanuel Macron and Guy Verhofshit crapping themselves was barely noticed.

Police Failed To Act Against Muslim Grooming Gang Due To Fears Over "Community Tensions" A new report based on the evidence of former Grester Manchester Police Detective Constable Maggie Oliver acknowledges that the force failed to stop dozens of girls being groomed and sexually exploited by a network of Pakistani men despite being fully aware of what was happening due to fears over creating “community tensions.” The report notes that the instruction to avoid prosecuting came "right from the top ..."

Asian grooming gang given free pass to rape; police officers told ‘find other ethnicities’ to investigate – detective.
A report published today, authored by child protection specialist Malcolm Newsam CBE and former senior police officer Gary Ridgway, comes following the reopening of an investigation into the death of 15-year-old Victoria Agoglia, who – after years of abuse and days after she was injected with heroin by a 50-year-old man – died in hospital of an overdose in 2003.

Greta Thunberg Slams Australia for Coal Industry, Expands List of Climate Demands
Little Greta Thunberg, who was elected by nobody apparently now speaks for us all on matters relating to climate change. The Swedish climate change hustler who is making a fortune for her handlers from donations to her campaign, again castigated Australia for continuing to mine and export coal despite her previous complaints, adding a call for an end worldwide to the actibity to her list of climate demands to be delivered at the upcoming World Economic Forum in Davos ...

Macron Digs In Against The General Strike, But Could It Finish Him?
As the French braces itself for the latest wave of protests and strikes across the country, as attitudes harden against President Emmanuel Macron's pension and retirement system reforms. Karel Vereycken, vice-president of France's Solidarity and Progress Party, has given his version what's behind the recent wave of strikes and why Macron's efforts to calm the situation down are backfiring.

Home
Top Of Page
Back Catalogue
Our Comments
The Daily Stirrer
Boggart Blog Central

More Comedy
Comic Verse
Cartoons
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Fiction
Past Perspectives
Philo & Sophia
Fools & Dreamers (poetry)
Boggart Blog Daily
Little Nicky Machiavelli