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We're All Going To Die. WTF?

Another seasonal rebellion from Boggart Blog against the annual crop of killjoy health warnings from governmet departments. More hilarious stuff from the UK's top satire and humour blog.
We''re all going to die, WTF
by Ian R. Thorpe
2009-12-12
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: life, socks, christmas charity, cards, stockings, appeal, hi-vis wear , humour, humor

Two items in yesterday's news caught our eye. The first was good ol' "Green" Gordon Brown's pledge that he will give lot's of our bankrupt nation's hard earned to "developing nations to shield them from the effects of global warming while they continue to develop their baby making and carbon burning industries. Mr Brown justified this by saying if we don't reverse climate change we are all going to die.

The second was that Parliament had backed a new scheme to curb increasing alcohol consumption on gounds that as we are all living longer and boozing more our geriatric cirhossised livers and other drink related problems will add £££billions to the nations health bill.

The curbing of alcohol comsumption is a ruse to stop us all wasting money on enjoying ourselves because the government know we will soon need every spare penny to pay our carbon taxes.

But if the government is serious about curbing our drinking habit they should stop promoting nihilistic despair by telling us we are all going to die of global warming, swine flu (remember that?) AIDS, bird flu, MRSA, e-coli, c-dofficile, manic depression, blocked arteries and whatever scare scams I have not mentioned.

In previous years you may remember Boggart Blog has brought you news of other festive season hazards highlihted by the Health And Safety Executive, exploding gravy, cheese of terror,
seditious Christmas tree lights,
homicidal hairdressers,
Santa's of Mass Destruction
and worst of all Gift Wrapped Rhinosceros shit

All the time you are being assailed by these warnings or scammed by these confidence tricks you are subjected to the usual five million decibel whining of the Politically FCorrect Thought Police: Don't drink or you will end up in A & E where you will be beaten to death by drunken pikeys or then eaten alive by zombiefied chavs who are trying to score some prescription pain killers to sallow with their Red Bull. Don't smoke, Dont talk to anyone who smokes, Don't look at cigareettes which are no longer on desplay in shops to stop you being tempted to look at them, Don't eat lard or beef dripping or butter or bacon sandwiches or teak or sausages or burgers or cream cakes as they contain saturated fat which will clog up your arteries and make you fat and ugly and stupid.

Don't eat Chistmas Pudding because it might offend non Christians. Don't have holly or Misletoe or a Yule Log in your house as they are pagan symbols and might offend christians. Don't pull Chistmas crackers unless you are wearing safety goggles as cheap toys may fly out anf hit somebody in the eye. play charsades. Don't do anything that might put you at risk of having fun. Fun is highly addictive and could result in you needing to spend time n rehab after the holiday.

But do the warnings against drink, drugs, tasty food, tasty totty and the rest do any good? Might it not be that the dark forces of health and safety fear and panic and the dark forces of climate change fear and panic cancel each other out?

If that is the case the message people will pick up is: "I'm going to die, WTF, I'll go out and get wankered."

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